u/AstelJ

I recently started therapy a few months ago, and something I've noticed is that I really struggle to be 100% truthful to my therapist.

I don't know if I do this to save myself from embarrassment or shame, but I feel like I can't be fully open and honest no matter what. I know it's their job to listen and to help me with the issues I'm facing, but I'm always too scared of being judged no matter how much I tell myself that I'm safe. I think its because of the abuse I went through as a child.

The lies are usually about my reaction to things, and how I actually feel about certain situations. They're also about things I've done in the past, because I'm scared my therapist will see me as evil or some sort of way if I tell the truth. Its like I don't want to shatter my image of being good, what would my therapist think of me if they knew I'm really just a crude, inconsiderate person?

I got baker acted by my therapist in March and was held in a mental facility for 4 days, so that also adds to my fear of something happening if I'm totally honest to them.

I'm actually contemplating whether I should quit therapy. It's honestly making my life worse than when I just pushed it all down and ignored it.

I was abused severely by everyone in my childhood. I was failed by quite literally everyone and It damaged me in ways that I don't think I'll ever be able to recover from.

Typical for childhood abuse, it got better and less intense as I got older. My family started treating me like an actual human being and not some mangy dog begging for their attention.

Of course I was happy about this, but in my heart I have always felt hatred for my family no matter how good they treat me. I feel like I'm being ungrateful a lot of the time, but I genuinely cannot feel sympathy for them and don't really care when bad things happen to them. When they cry I feel nothing, I want to make them feel worse actually, but I have very strong self control. When they're good to me, I don't really care either. It feels fake.

My family disgusts me to the core. I feel extreme rage towards each one of them.

Just to make things clear, I'm not proud of what I'm about to say, and I would never act on these thoughts.

The hatred I have for every single one of my family members is so extreme that I have thoughts about killing all of them, including myself, VERY frequently. Sometimes (often times) , I truly believe that our bloodline is a plague on this Earth and that we all need to be eradicated to prevent everyone around us from suffering. What's concerning to me is that I don't really feel evil or like a bad person for thinking like this? It's more of a feeling of apathy and that this is the pure truth.

I'm not going to go into detail about every bad thought that I have, but they all mostly surround torturing my family members. Is this normal? Am I insane?