For context: My mom was diagnosed with cancer three years ago, and she has no chance of remission— just managing the symptoms and keeping the cancer at bay.
Because my mom has had cancer for three years now, it’s become a very normal part of my life— obviously I still have my down days where I cry, but I’ve built myself a system of friends and family I know I can go to if I need to, and I’m able to talk about it to people like I’m talking about the weather. it’s not a fun part of my life, but I’ve accepted that this is what I’ve been dealt.
What I haven’t gotten used to and probably never will is the fact that everybody else acts so goddamn weird about it. I know they‘re just trying to be kind, but sometimes it really starts to grate on me.
My mom’s friend, who I am not close to, always checks in on my siblings and I so that she can not only give a progress report to their other friends, but also weirdly to my mom? Not that I don’t appreciate her checking in, but 1) it feels kind of like a box to check on her list and 2) … do you expect me to tell you more than I tell my mom? Who I know you will give your report to? She even has the kids from their friend group (who are my age, but are also not close with me) checking in on us and throwing gatherings— like little pity parties almost? Again I really do appreciate that she cares about it, but if I hadn’t developed a support system by now, I think I’d be curled up in a ball. Like respectfully, I’ve got this I don’t need assistance.
I also have the tendency of throwing mom’s cancer into conversation. it’s such a normal part of my life that sometimes I forget that people arent going to understand the vibe. so then I have to derail the conversation to say “she’s fine, dont worry I’m good and mentally stable and will not cry talking about it”, and then either get back to the original conversation (with awkward sympathetic looks) or I have to go into a whole tangent about how no, she’s not in remission and never will be(and here’s why, because people don’t understand that not all cancer is tumors). like I know they aren’t dealing with my situation so they don’t really know how to respond to me sayign a throwaway comment about my mom’s cancer (usually I’m using it to figure out when a story I’m telling happened or why i made decisions I made in this particular instance).
im not really looking for advice, I just wish that people understood that 1) if im not close to you, I don’t need you to constantly check in on me, and 2) I’m not looking for sympathy when I talk about my mom’s cancer, it’s just kind of the thing that my life revolves around so it impacts a lot of the things I do and is a clear frame of reference for me. I dunno. I just wish people would just be a little more chill about it.