Hello. Im posting this because idk what else to do. This is a throw away account. I am a woman but ever since I can remember I always wished I was a boy. I always tried to help my dad with stuff like fixing and typical things guys do with their dads. I tried to help him with anything other girls my age wouldn't be very interested in and I know he loves me and only tries to protect me but he always treated it like i was incapable and would mess it up. And with my mom I knew from a young age she expected for me to be a boy. All of my baby clothes were blue, they already have a male name picked out for me etc. etc. She had a male miscarriage before she got pregnant with me. And ever since my baby nephew was born it became more apparent how she treats baby boys vs girls. I had nieces but she never felt this kind of love for them. Sometimes i imagine what it would be like if I was born a boy and wish i was the one she miscarried. It feels so shameful and uncomfortable to not be able to be the son she wanted. My heart aches with every thought of it. she is such a great mother and deserves the world but i cant give it to her. For I am not a man that can carry it.
Its not just about my upbringing. I look at my hips an curves and narrow shoulders.I try to dress baggier. Im on the larger side so its harder to hide large hips and legs. Still, that feeling when i put on a large hoodie, put up my hair and wear baggy pants in unmatched.
I am sapphic but thinking of loving a woman the way a man does makes me feel butterflies. To take care of her, think of her, do things for her.
Things like gender identity and stuff are not welcomed in my county so i can never tell this to anyone.
Thanks for reading. Goodbye.