I can’t figure out how to let go or where to go from here. TW: death/widow
I really don’t know how to cover this all, but I’ll try.
In 2020, At 29, my husband died overseas. I was there alone as it was during Covid and we worked for the military. After he died I spent a few days alone because Covid in this country was tough. I had to get military clearance to get family there, so I started the process with my sister. I didn’t know, or maybe didn’t catch it, but she invited my mother.
When my mom and sister got there, I had about 7 business days to clear my husband from the military, ship my stuff home, sell 2 cars, clear casket/embalming and ship him home, get two dogs home, and honestly I’m sure some more. Those few days that they were there my sister helped endlessly. She tiptoed to make sure she wasn’t overstepping, she cooked, she cleaned, and she helped. My mom spent that time playing candy crush. I remember vividly two quotes ‘wow this is flying by so fast!,’ and something along the lines of can’t wait to be home to watch judge Judy. She didn’t cook once. I’ll never forget carrying around a binder and flying through this experience without having actual time to be sad. I couldn’t afford it.
Fast forward a few years, I’m a homeowner. My mother was a co-signer so I could get a fair interest rate, though the only cost she gifted was the inspection. I went through two floods, an unregisterable car that is out of my control, and a 2021 vehicle that needed $6K of repairs. I found myself needing $50K to fix my cars and house to survive.
When I told my mom I wasn’t sure how I could survive and that I need to sell my house, she said ‘I didn’t know it was this bad.’ And kind of left it at that. I asked everyone in my family for a dumpster rental as help anytime someone asked if I needed anything, but never pushed because it’s not anyone’s responsibility but mine.
My job let me go around this time and I kind of fell apart. I paid my mortgage for about a year without being there because it was dilapidating. My lovely family-less boyfriend went through a job change so I was out working with him when I got a text from my mother in law.
Something along the lines of ‘it’s so heartbreaking - I’ll take care of his things.’
My mother had given my husbands ashes, his badge, and the very few things I kept for myself. For some context, I gave his family his clothes, I packed ashes into gifts for every single person, I spent $5K on his family camping on their land for the services, I gave his flag that the spouse receives to them, I gave them EVERYTHING. I kept a small amount to love and to cherish.
When I confronted my mom, I told her how much it hurts. When I asked my mother in law for it back, she just said it’s something we can talk about but she supports what my mom did. When I asked my sister, she said it makes sense.
Another random context, my house was molding in my basement from flooding and my husbands things were upstairs, safely, on top of a shelf where I always kept them. I can see them walking in my door.
I can’t afford therapy. I can’t afford anything. But I can’t seem to get by this. Every night I sit awake thinking about this. Every night my stomach sits in agony and I can’t get through.
I don’t think I will ever forgive my mother. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive my mother in law. I want to forgive my sister. But I can’t seem to be well enough to even have that conversation.
Any advice helps. I appreciate it.