u/AssistanceThin8186

Sorry for the long post!! I (22 F) have been struggling the past few years with being an emotional roller coaster. My mom, her sister, and my sister have all been prescribed medicine for depression and anxiety (not exactly sure what my aunt was prescribed, just that it was for her unstable mental state). My mom and her sister both had very obvious mental struggles to the point that it was obvious it was more than just depression and anxiety. For months they could be fine to be around and the next few they could be miserable to be around. This makes me think I should talk to my psychiatrist about a possible diagnosis. I relate to MANY of the symptoms I’ve seen, even the very small random ones (hearing a “tune” when it’s dead silent/ paranoia causing slight hallucinations such as seeing things move out of the corner of my eye). I’ve tracked it for a bit now and I’ve noticed my lows seems to last months. When I’m in what I’m assuming to be the depressive state it almost feels like my body is not my own. Times where I’m staring at myself in the mirror feeling like I don’t even look like me anymore and like my body is almost possessed by something or someone else, looking down at my own arms and hands and for some reason they don’t look or feel like my own. Sometimes I feel so trapped in my own body it feels like I need to gag or shiver. In what I’m assuming to be my manic sort of state I sometimes feel almost like I’m drunk, but other times I feel like I could rip my own hair out. I sleep horribly through the night and am unable to take a nap, I just cannot fall asleep. Sometimes I come up with these crazy life plans that sound easy enough in my head, but voicing them out loud to people sounds crazy. I hyper fixate horribly whether it’s on good or bad thoughts. Some days I hyper fixate on these life plans. Other days I hyper fixate on things people have done to me or all the things I hate about my life and physically can’t stop. A lot of times when I’m in this state I feel embarrassed after social interactions because I realize then that I was not able to read social cues, talked entirely too much, said things I shouldn’t have. Many times I’ve felt like I was being normal during social interactions, but later I think about it and feel as if I was drunk the whole time because I was acting so chaotic. Every time I’m in a depressive state I tell myself I need to get help and the cycle will continue, but when I’m feeling better I never do. When I feel better I look back and think I was just being dramatic and I’m fine now, so why get help if I’m feeling better? Except I never stay feeling good. It never fails that a few months will pass and I’m right back where I was before. Am I right to think this is more than depression and anxiety? Could this possibly be bipolar 1/2 or some sort of personality disorder? If anyone has any advice in regard to starting medications, or trying to get actually diagnosed please let me know!!