I was diagnosed with juvenile myoclonic epilepsy (JME) when I was 12. I've tried lots of medications, all with horrible side effects and none fully successful. I'm currently only treating it with rescue medications (Ativan). I've been having around 3 seizure episodes per week where I have 1-200 myoclonic and/or absence seizures over the course of up to 2 hours.
I started self-harming when I was 13, mostly cutting but also punching things like the ground or my head. I still can't help but do it when I'm overwhelmingly stressed, which has been a lot lately.
I was treated and deemed seizure-free by the time I was 14. Withdrawal from the medications (sodium valproate) sucked. I was ultimately diagnosed with anorexia when I was 15 which evolved into bulimia. They wanted to put me in in-patient care, but I pleaded and they didn't and it got worse.
I started having seizures occasionally again when I was 15, but I lied and hid it. I caused two small car accidents because I had absence seizures behind the wheel. The only thing that was ever hurt was my wallet (I got my first job at 14 and drivers licence at 16).
I made two suicide attempts back to back when I was 19, overdosing on drugs that affect the brain - well over what I calculated to be the lethal dose for my weight. Obviously I survived. I was never great at math. That seems to have caused the seizures to return with a fury though. I was diagnosed with chronic depression and social anxiety when I was 21 while trying to treat the resurfacing epilepsy, though at my most recent appointment with a psychiatrist just last week (looking into why depression and anxiety treatment never worked, considering other diagnoses like BPD and level 1 autism, following other's recommendations). I was told any psychiatric diagnosis made while my epilepsy is not under control is invalid... so I guess I'm not depressed?
When I was 20, I acquired chronic tendonitis of the flexor carpi radialis tendons in both forearms playing music, so my favourite solace is now painful. No doctors seem to be able to help much with it. It always hurts at least a little bit. The pain is part of why I consume so much cannabis.
The other reason for cannabis is that I was diagnosed with Crohn's ileitis when I was 26. It ultimately led to iron-deficiency anemia, which has frustratingly got a little better after I gave up my vegan then vegetarian diet and started eating meat. I got scared of the idea of immunosuppression, so I ghosted my gastroenterologist. That disease is getting worse, but I have been waiting to see a GI specialist for 9 months now. Shortly before I was diagnosed, it caused an intestinal blockage. My partner of 6 years at the time didn't take my pain seriously, so I ultimately ended that relationship because of Crohn's.
When I was 28, I got a hearing test to address difficulties in conversation and occasional tinnitus. They determined that I don't have hearing loss and gave me pamphlets for auditory processing disorder without specifying if that's a diagnosis - I assume not.
I'm 29 now. I didn't expect to live this long. I thought I would have made a successful suicide attempt by now. But I'm still here, trying to be present and positive. But I feel like I'm able to snap. I feel like chronic illness has taken so much from me and no one has really been able to help. I'm feeling hopelessness and despair. I'm having difficulty convincing myself that it's worth continuing through the pain just to have more work to do, more capitalism, more poverty, more disappointment, and more pain. I've lost interest in dating, I feel frequent contempt and impatience. I've tried to quit my band but they convinced me to stay. I know I would hurt people by committing suicide, including my new roommate and my cat, but I don't know if I can tolerate this much longer...