hey dad, I need to rant
I’m a 20F currently going through a hard time figuring out my emotions. For instance, I got diagnosed with autism when I was 17, which was also when I met “O” (who was 22M when we first met).
I am a refugee from a third-world country living in Europe, three years ago I lived in a refugee camp where I met this girl “V”. She was refugee too and when we first talked she felt like an older sister to me, which changed later on because I accused my dad for being violent but she would keep hanging out with him. She met “O” through an app but would come to me calling him a pussy and that she wanted to breakup with him but wouldn’t since he got her nice stuff and invited her to eat out everyday, which was not okay imo since she was taking advantage of his feelings. Fast forward, I met “O” and he ended up telling me he was also autistic (before I told him that I was). She finally told me that she was breaking up with him because he cried a lot. That day we made a picnic where everybody else went for a walk but me and him, and a few moments later he asked me if I knew why “V” was acting like rude and bawled his eyes out. I dried his tears and started talking, we had a lot of things in common and he was my first autistic friend. After they broke up she asked me to block him, which I did but later on I unblocked him because I was enthusiastic about my first friend with autism. After that, we went out, I stopped talking to her since she would shit talk about me with him and started developing feelings for him, but from one moment to another… he started ghosting me and being distant, which I did not get because he was the one happy about talking to me in first place. He would go on for days, weeks, and sometimes even a month without talking to me, so I would ditch him out, but he would always come back.
At some point, he asked me to have s3x with him when he knew I wanted a serious committed relationship, which really messed up my feelings because at first he had told me he was not into that because he had been abused by his step mother. From one moment to another, he became hyper s3xu4l. Finally, I stopped talking to him because he got me feeling like a toy. He apologized for only reaching out to me at night, but it was too late.
After two months of trying to reach out to me, he said he would go to therapy and only talk to me when he felt like he could be present in my life.
And so a year and a half went by, I hand kind of forgotten about him, and then I get a message from him “hey! do you remember me? :)” at that moment, I was already into someone else and completely detached from him, so I thought we could be friends... I was in the wrong.
Two months later, I got attached again, and he let me know that during this time he had gotten a girlfriend during this time… so the problem was not him being incapable of being in a relationship, the problem was him not wanting to have a relationship with me. I started hyper venting and would wakeup at random times during midnight. I told him to stop talking and he got defensive right away stating that I had also done bad things and he had forgiven me (I told him to get my little brother tablet for christmas two years ago since he had played with my feelings and he‘s got a very well paid job, but he didn’t. I‘m not saying it was okay but it was no better from what he had done to me) so I fell for it yet again. We face talked twice and I thought he was finally going to make me part of his routine, even though he moved to another country (he visits here a lot)… but I was wrong. Last time we talked it was February first, and ever since then I’ve been stuck on him. I’ve avoided talking about him with friends but it’s just made it worse for me. I don’t want to block him again, I just want to be capable of not depending on his presence to determine if a day was bad or good. I don’t know what to do, I like him a lot.
Thank you for reading.