The struggle
Hi everybody so I am unmedicated for bipolar disorder and I was on the phone with my ex and she was asking me about like my social life and if I have any friends and I have a couple friends who don’t reside in the state in which I live, but in terms of the state that I live in, I can’t do it like in terms of friends I just can’t and she asked me why and I told her that I just can’t. The real truth Is that when I’m high (hypomanic) and I’m happy and I’m not worried about a damn thing I’m social and I can know interact and keep in touch but when I’m low, I just disappear like I just stop calling and I stop reaching out and why should anybody have to deal with that so I now try not to make friends because I’m really just unpredictable even to myself right now. I’m not a hypomanic or low. I’m just here.
Even though she has very little idea as to what the hell is even happening with me I mean she knows, but I don’t think she really knows because last summer her and I broke up after I stopped taking my mood stabilizers because they were causing me pain in my side then I moved to another state. Then in January or February I wanted to start talking to her again and then I did what I do and I disappeared. I had like a realization like she’s better off without me you know and that’s kind of where I’m at right now. I’m still in that space of, she’s better off without me.
She told me she was talking to someone new (romantically) and I told her I’m happy for her because that is ultimately what I want for her I do really love her and I will probably always love her, but I’ll need meds just to feel like even a little bit of a normal person and I don’t want her to have to deal with me. So, you know. Anyway, sorry for the long rant.