Can someone please help me understand what to do or feel?
(18M & 19F) We’ve been in a long distance relationship for almost 9 months now (we started this way, ik this may not be the best place to ask this but I’m desperate). We are both first timers in a serious relationship. For the last four months she’s been struggling with her schedule (she’s preparing for university entrance exams), so it’s understandable our time to talk has been rather unstable lately. We started with around 4 hours a day on the first month, went to 2.5 hours for the next couple ones, 1 hour (plus 2+ hour calls once a week) once she really started preparing for the exams, 30 mins (plus 1-2 hours of call every week) on February, and finally around 10 mins (plus 30-40 mins calls when she could) during the last couple of days. Neither of us ever showed any sign of frustration or problem with this outside from occasional “I’d leave everything behind and go with you if I could”-type of messages every now and then.
Then, last Monday, she started our daily conversation stating she had thought about a new schedule that could possibly liberate her from the burden of not talking a lot (she found a way to give herself time for us). I was obviously happy for these news, yet I did tell her two thoughts I had: I am not there for her to be used as an item for leisure (she was thinking of using her breaks and free time with me), and a worry I had of her working over her limit (she studies more than 16 hours a day now, not joking) which scared me of her burning out. After discussing it for a while I realized she really thought of her doing nothing else than procrastinating, ofc I reassured her telling how everything would be okay given how big of an effort she’s been putting into her applications. Then she asked me to tell her to stop if she goes to her limit, and then again I told her that was her job as I’m not her to understand her body and breaking point. After telling her this detail she finally agreed and told me: “Thank you, I realized I was depending on you a lot”.
We left the conversation there as she had to go to class. Then, on my midnight, I received a message from her telling me she realized that given her tight schedule and emotional stress it would be good for her to take a “break or distance” without cutting the relationship. Then she blocked me from every form of social media. (I was later told she had deactivated a couple of them, she got them back a couple of days later) I got scared but understood this may be just part of her strategy to focus on herself for a while… Until the following day I received a message from her once again, this time the message started with an apology for the surprising block, and then she finally decided to tell me: “I needed the time yesterday to confront myself. I realized that I cannot keep up with my schedule, my feelings, entrance exams, and our relationship alongside many more things, so I want to break up. I love you and thanks for everything.” I quickly tried to text her to understand her reasons, but she seemed rather cold and mellow in the 5-6 messages I could send before she blocked me again. She kept thanking me and apologizing, even saying it was her fault, it was her incapacity to “do it”. In the end I suddenly ended up without her, and I couldn’t even say goodbye.
I’m worried it may be some kind of nervous breakdown for her messages were missing her unique positivism and attachment (she always said she wouldn’t go regardless of what could happen, even assuring me she would marry me if needed). I’m worried for her wellbeing and that this might’ve been an emotional decision rather than a logically taken one… It doesn’t make sense coming from her to end it all so suddenly…
It’s been a week since she left. I contacted a common friend who was also worried (this friend was the one who noticed her social media accounts were missing). This friend had actually reached to her and asked for an update just to check if she was doing fine, “she said she just needs a minute”. Later on, a couple of days ago, I noticed she blocked me from everywhere but a shared-schedule app where we can actually check the last time the other was online and any change made to the calendar. She has no reason to come see the schedule (she has her own, she just copied everything there for me to know her availability), and still she went online 5 days ago, then 2, then yesterday. I’m not sure what this means, no, I’m not sure what anything means anymore… can someone please help me understand what happened and what may happen now? I really miss her