I (24f, lesbian) met my ex (24f) on hinge a few months ago and we hit it off pretty fast; had similar interests and lived close and found each other attractive. It was honestly going well, I admit now looking back there were times when she would say and comment things that were quite mean, like in almost bully way, but it was never towards me or my friends and we all just kinda brushed it off (my friends did tell me a few times when I asked them that they didn’t like so and so comment but again, i always just thought she had a sharper sense of humour or smthn). But I also want to say she wasn’t like MEAN mean, she was kind and sweet too and was especially loving with me. Anyway, we’ve been kinda seeing each other for almost 3 months and we weren’t going to strictly label ourselves exclusive but we were kinda getting there, I had developed a full on crush at that point and was very sure I was going to ask her to be my gf at some point.
one day when we were hanging out she was scrolling on instagram I realised it was on an acc I didn’t recognise. When I asked she said it was her priv insta (finsta). I said I have one too and we followed each other there as well. That was fine and all until I realised the insta algorithm shows me the instagram reels she likes and comments on. Suddenly I had two reels of random musician performances on my feed and she was commenting some hateful stuff on it. And it was just … tasteless insults too. Calling them ugly, “chopped”, “flopped” stuff like that. And tbh, some of these celebs didn’t seem to be bad people with serious allegations or smthn. I’m not going to act like I’m mother Theresa, my friend group and I have our fair share of celebs and political figures and other famous people we dislike or make jokes of, but not really in this way it bothered me to see her saying all this but I kinda let it go until one night when I couldn’t sleep I stalked her instagram. I checked her following list and found her friends’ priv accs and one which had their twitter (Now X) acc on their bio. and i went there and i found my gf’s twitter (at the time, i only suspected it was my gf’s acc, bc it did not have any of her personal info, it just had the same aesthetics of her priv insta.
But what i found there was disgusting.
It didn’t just “give me the ick”, it made me really uncomfortable.
She was saying some of the worst things I’ve ever seen. She was a fan of some celebs mostly musicians and some kpop girl groups, and she was just?? I don’t know. She was fat shaming so many women there, which was very vile to me because feminism is a very important political belief of mine. My gf isn’t skinny, but she isn’t fat either, but she was fat shaming some women who pretty much were thinner than her. It was concerning. It didn’t rly stop there. She was mostly reposting tweets that said stuff about families, accused people of nasty things, laughing at important causes. My family is south asian but I lived in west asia until I migrated to the west, and to see my gf (she is also south asian) run an account like this genuinely felt like a whole shock went thru my system. She never cared about political issues as much as me, which I was content with, because she never showed any sign that she disagreed with me and also always encouraged and supported me. My roommate and I are very open and active for political causes to raise awareness, and my ex never really took part in any of that to our extent, so to see her reposts and tweets weaponising it all just. It broke my heart.
I did end up confronting her. I guess I kinda hoped it wouldn’t be her or smthn but she confirmed it. She got annoyed I went thru her insta following like that, which is fair I take blame for it. I just had a gut feeling and followed it.
I am studying to be a teacher and take online hate very seriously. The stuff I saw on her acc was very nasty and vile. I don’t think I could ever truly date her and want a life with her knowing she was saying things like this online. Some of the jokes were making fun of women, sexual assault, celebrity looks and random gossip, it all felt so surreal to read. I couldn’t picture the person running this acc and the girl I went on dates with. That scared me. I realised then that I couldn’t rly continue this relationship… it’s pretty much over. I cried as I told her this and she seemed remorseful, maybe I imagined it idk, she was in tears too. She said she’s sorry and that it’s just a troll account and it’s not that serious and she would never say this to people. I told her but you *are* saying this to people. She said she’ll delete the acc but she didn’t seem to fully grasp that what she did was wrong. I mean. She seemed to have friends who partook in this too who also followed her on insta! I said ok, but we need a break.
I haven’t answered her since, but it’s been a week or so and I’m wondering if I’m being too harsh and if I should take her back. Being a brown lesbian though, especially as someone who grew up in a very conservative society, I just can’t really let go of what I saw and her and I don’t think I could be with her without remembering the things she wrote and reposted. I feel like an asshole because she is obviously hurt by this too and might actually feel remorse. I just don’t know if I should give her another chance. My friends mostly say not to date her, some of them openly dislike her, but I just loved the few months we were seeing each other and this situation is just a mess.
The reason I decided to post here is to see if there’s any other people who have faced smthn like this? I read posts abt people discovering their family members, or siblings doing things like this and how they overcame it, but I want to know about it from a partner’s perspective. Personally, I don’t think I’m going back, even if I might want to. I’m well aware she’s the asshole in one aspect, but am I the asshole for not wanting to go back even if she shows remorse?