I, 833838929292, male cultivator of the Eight Trillionth Layer of the Foundation Establishment Realm (don’t ask how I skipped the other trillions, fate is mysterious), recently attended a sanctioned matchmaking banquet arranged by my sect elders.
There I was paired with a jade beauty, said to be forged from moonlight, mist, and probably someone’s spiritual inheritance.
At first glance, she was breathtaking. Hair like flowing silk. Eyes like falling stars. Aura like a mildly expensive cultivation manual. She seemed perfect to be my main wife. I’m in love.
I thought: finally, the heavens have rewarded my hard work of breathing correctly.
But then… she opened her mouth.
Instead of discussing dual cultivation techniques, spiritual root compatibility, or at the very least the weather of immortal peaks, she began speaking of “danmei,” “true love,” “emotional fulfillment,” and something called “healthy communication.”
I do not know what sect she cultivates from, but clearly it is unorthodox and should be investigated. She even said she wanted to open a “publishing house.” I don’t get it—why don’t I just hand her a Yin Intensifying Pill? Wouldn’t that satisfy her already? Hmm maybe a weapon storage facility, but this is how far I’ll pamper her hmph!
I attempted to steer the conversation back to proper topics, such as her chest circumference (for spiritual resonance calibration purposes), whether she had a compatible yin constitution, whether she could help her other senior sisters (in my harem ofc) raise my heirs to inherit my amazing legacy, and if she had considered becoming a concubine in my future 72-wife formation array.
She ignored all of it.
Instead, she asked me, “Do you think love should be chosen or freely felt?”
Then she said, “I don’t want to be part of a harem.”
I paused.
Looked around just double checking… just making sure she wasn’t missing out on a good deal.
Confirmed: yes, there are already several wives in adjacent courtyards, yes, this is literally a harem-compatible cultivation household, and yes, she was invited into it.
So I replied, “That is fine. You are Wife Candidate #12. Consent is implied through sect arrangement.”
She said, “That’s not how consent works.”
I heard: “I have suffered a minor qi deviation affecting speech clarity.”
At that point, I realized I had entered a mental illusion array. So I did what any rational cultivator would do.
I nodded politely while focusing my divine sense on nearby jade beauties who were actually eating spiritual fruit in silence.
She noticed. She stopped smiling.
Then she said, “So you want me to give up my entire identity… to raise your child?”
I corrected her, “Actually it’s acknowledged heir. Not just child. There is a difference in lineage documentation.”
She then asked, “Do you even see me as a person, what would my child be in your planned harem? The 84th line to the throne?”
I replied, “Of course. You are Wife Candidate #12 with entrepreneurial instability.”
After that, she began saying I “wasn’t emotionally present” and “treated her like a stone by the road,” and that I was hurting her so-called “maiden” feelings.
I tried to be patient. I explained:
“Independent ventures create instability in Dao union harmony.”
“A wife pursuing external ambition weakens household spiritual balance.”
“Your role is already elevated: Jade Wife of the Inner Court, not sect merchant.”
I even attempted to soothe her crying by saying, “Interesting philosophy. However, have you considered the benefits of being Wife #3? It comes with premium spirit pills and exclusive courtyard access.”
She stared at me like I was a demonic scripture and cried harder.
EDIT:
Later, I learned she left the banquet.
She ended up with some guy of the Heavenly Sea Dragon Clan.
Loud entrance aura. Probably thinks he’s the main character. Probably weaker cultivation than me (important detail). Wears too much pearls like he’s compensating for personality.
But apparently…
He listens to her.
Like actually listens.
Doesn’t interrupt.
Says things like “tell me more,” “I support your dreams,” “communication is important,” whatever that means.
Worst part is… she looks happy.
Like ACTUALLY happy.
My sect elders say I “ruined a promising match.” Now I just feel like refining dragon blood for pills and severing some limbs.
I say: I came for blooming bosoms, not philosophical tribulation lectures.
So… AITA?