My boyfriend (29M) and I (29f) been together for almost 2 years now. We just had a fight and he asked me to have a break because today we were supposed to go to the gym together but I got out late from work (like an hour later), he was mad at me because he really suffers from gastric pain and the more he waits for eating, the worse it gets.
I didn't apologize for being late, In fact I was mad at him because he just look at me like he was disappointed of me for being late . He didn't say anything, just nodded his head. I felt defensive, because a few days ago he said he was disappointed on me for not training as hard as he did. But my schedule is chaotic and sometimes works takes me a lot of time. he is really sweet with me, pays for things, take me to places, but suddenly he wants to control some aspects of my life.
We recently had a discussion because he wanted to start training alone but it was because he felt guilty for trying to force me into his gym goal. The fact is that he does not like some parts of my body, he's been clear about it, and he really had the expectation to change it with strength training. In fact, he once said that if the gym didn't work, then he will pay for the bbl surgery. Maybe other girls like this idea, but I felt offended. At that moment I didn't say anything. Just laughed, because I thought he was kidding, but he wasn't. That happened like a year ago. Today he realices he was wrong and apologized for it, but sometimes still making comments about how I am almost perfect, just the booty is missing.
I know how I'm with someone I love. I tend to be very helpful and accommodating, and I was at the beginning, but at some point I felt like the more I did, the more he criticized it, so I stopped making decisions, having initiave in the relationship. I felt like if I was myself, he didn't like it at all. He has said things to me like when he saw me at college he thought I was like a very dominant person, but being with me and knowing me now he noticed I'm not that, and he had a crush of that idea of me.
So, I feel like a very exhausting dinamic. For the fights we have I feel like we are very different, we want very different things, he has some expectations from me but I don't feel like I fit in that expectation. So I feel like it's not worth it doing things for him, showing my love for him, because it doesn't feel enough. So I genuinely feel like I'm having trouble having initiative in the relationship. He always complains that I talk too much, but never listen to him, but if the things are the other way around, and I tell him he's not listening, he makes an excuse and makes sure that his excuse is valid, but mines are not. I know sometimes I have trouble admitting things, so I make up excuses. I don't know maybe that's gaslighting from me?
I know this is just one side of the story, but it's how I feel. I just want to know if the relationship it's worth it, or I really need to move on and work on me (I know, anxiety can be a bitch sometimes and specially now, I really can think clearly).
I really saw my life with him. I really thought of marrying him, because he has so much to offer and before anything we are like really good friends, we get along with each other although sometimes it doesn't seem like it. But now I don't know, that idea of making my life with him feels far away now. I don't know if I am being immature or something, but honestly, I don't know what to do. I feel like the asshole for not doing more things for him or Even for not having the intention to have initiative or something like that.
English isn't my first language so, sorry for the bad writing.