WIBTA if I (54F) did not reach out to my brother (55) to tell him Mom wants to see him before she dies?
Some back story. 15 years ago my brother was living in another state. My mom and I planned a trip to that state to pick up puppies from an oops litter our cousin had. We had always told our cousin that if she ever had a litter we each wanted a pup. Just before Thanksgiving giving I received a text from her saying “Congratulations you’re going to have a fur baby!” I called her asked when they would be here. She said early January and she would like them picked up at 8 weeks. After talking it over with my mom, we planned the trip for early March. We talked about stopping to see my brother and his family as a resting spot, maybe a 2 or 3 hour break from driving. For 3 months I text or emailed him to check in and give an estimate of travel plans. He would respond telling me he was looking forward to seeing us. 1 month before we locked down our travel plans and route for the 18 hour roadtrip, stopping halfway to visit and spend the night at my great aunts house. He said to call on our way down to plan if we would stop on the way down or the way back home. I called him and left a VM the night before we left. He didn’t return the call. The mourning we left my GA’s house I tried to call him again, leaving another VM that it would take us about 7 hours to get to the city he lived in and if it was still ok for us to stop by to give us a call. We didn’t get a call so when we got to his city we kept going to our final destination for that leg. We spent most of the weekend with our cousins and bonding with our new fur babies. Before starting our trip home we called him again. To tell him the approximate time we would be going through his city’s, no return call. As we entered his city I mentioned to my mom that he lived about 5 miles off the interstate we were on. I asked if she wanted to swing by to have a conversation with him. At the time my mom was going through a cancer scare and undergoing test. We only planned on staying for about and hour to let him know what was going on with her. She wants to tell him face to face, so we stop. She got out of the car to go to the door while I get the puppies to go potty. He answered the door and begins yelling at my mom about just showing up at his door. I don’t know how being told for 4 months is just showing up. I tell my mom to get in the car and we proceeded to start driving to my GA’s the next stop before home. We got about 10 mins from his house before my phone rings and it is her son. Once we got back home I emailed my brother to tell him that I had communicated for 4 months through emails, text and calls about the trip and he agreed to the visit. That at no time did he or his wife communicate that we should not visit. I also expressed that Mom was having some medical issues and it was not my responsibility to keep him informed, that he may want to check on her more often.
When he moved to the other state he parked a classic car at our mom’s house. It was unregistered for 7+ years when my mom got a notice from the county to fix the issue if they would remove it from her yard at her expense. By this time he and his family had moved back to the same state as us. (Side note he didn’t tell her. She found out from mutual friend.) She contacted him to tell him to either register it or come remove it from her yard. With the help of a neighbor we got the county to back off the issue for a couple of years. The a knock at the door county code enforcement officer, “ you have 30 days to fix the issue or we will remove it.” She calls him again and tells him he has to “either sign the classic cat over so she can fix it or come get it. That the county gave her 30 days.” (During the 7 years I moved back in with her due to her health issues) I had come home on day 28 to find my brother standing outside with my masked up mom waiting for a tow truck. This was during the height of COVID. He was there to get his car. No words were exchanged by us, I went into the house and kept my distance, feeling we are still owed and apology for the last time we saw him.
My brother had I had not spoken in over a decade. Then 2 years ago my mom fell broken her hip and required surgery and a stay at rehab. In the emergency I called my adult children. One of my daughters asked if I had let her uncle know and felt he had a right to know his 76 yr old mom was about to have major surgery. I had deleted all of his contact information from my phone years earlier. I started the search, calling anyone who may know his number. I had to settle for sending him my number via a FB message asking him to call me. He called about 20 mins after I sent the message. I explained what was going on l, what hospital she was at and expressed I couldn’t do it alone anymore. We didn’t hear from him or see him until 4 days later. He walked into her hospital room as I was walking out to go find her a suitable rehab to go to. When I got back he was still there, shortly after I explained what each rehab had to offer he left. He didn’t go see her in rehab and only called her once during her 20 days stay. Once she was gone I quickly found that she would not be able to be left home alone for the 12-16 hours I was gone for work a day. I quit my job and became her full-time caregiver. I start working delivery apps for short 3-4 shifts. 6 months ago even that was no longer an option.
About 2 months ago my mom’s PC told her she had a massive blockage of a major artery and referred her to a surgeon. She I went the surgery to fix the issue, she spent 3 days in the hospital and was released. About 24 hrs after her released she was back in an emergency room for BP and weakness. They prescribed an antibiotic for an infection. 2 days later the hospital calls to inform us that the antibiotic given doesn’t work against the bacteria she has and they called in another antibiotic for pick up. I went to tell her I was going to get it. Upon entering her room she didn’t look well I took her vitals and called her PC (as a call to the surgeons office was met with a VM box during business hours). Her PC’s feared she was turn septic and recommended a trip to the ED. A quick discussion with the ED Dr, whom wanted to release her back home, and she was admitted. 14 days and many complaints from the infection to blood clot and fluid build up in her chest she is released. At first she was going to go to a rehab, unfortunately 48 hours before her released it became apparent to myself and her nurses that rehab was not an option as her health was declining. I contacted my brother at day 2 of the hospital stay (which was at the start of the weekend). Told him that her Dr was concerned that she was turning septic and her prognosis wasn’t looking good. He didn’t call or go see her. My oldest reached out to him to trying to keep him informed. He isn’t responding to her now either. I did send him a text to info him that she was released him into hospice care. That we don’t know how long she has, but is current lucid and coherent when she is awake. I have not heard anything back that was a week ago.
Now, WIBTA if I reach out to him again to tell him she is progressing in death and has expressed she would like to see him before she dies? She told me not to contact him. She feels he knows what is going on and if he wanted to see her he would have already come by. I can tell she is hurt and wants to see her son before she dies. He lives a little over an hour from us. I have been her sole caregiver for the last 2 years doing it by myself. Do I respect what she tells me or respect her desire to see my brother?