So, because an incarceration is supposed to be rare I decided to not have surgery and just observe it. Yesterday it got very ncarcerated and it was painful as hell as well as posing a risk of intestine inflammation.
0/10 would not recommend.
For a long time I only used once a week. No willpower needed. Always on weekends.
Then I made some sneaky little exceptions and it bit my ass. It begun derailing from there and made worse by unfortunate events.
Ironically I don't have issues with alcohol or mdma, which btw I have stored on my bedroom but it doesn't compel me to use compulsively.... and yet weed, supposed to be less addictive than alcohol and mdma calls me as soon as Friday evening comes. Then I use again Saturday, then again sunday.
Ironically before this process started I had the suspicion that exceptions could be dangerous abd I used to be very respectful of my own rules, sadly I demonstrated my hypothesis empirically.
Establish rules and follow them. or else...
I have worked on myself for a while, but twice my has my body made things harder right when I was beginning to see the light.
The first time was during the pandemic. I had fallen in love with meditation, especially body scans, and it felt like boredom was no longer an issue. I could just be standing in line at a bank doing a body scan. My masturbation habit had gone from once a day to once a week. I wasn't using social media as much.
The pandemic had already castrated the impulse to socialize that emerged in February, but at least I used the lockdown to introspect, then a Crohn flare ruined everything.
Since then body scans have not been the same. It got broken after a period of constant pain on my right side ( inflamed ileum) made me want to disconnect from my body, and I did. At some point, seeing how the medical process was slow and tedious, I decided to hit the fast-forward button. I had a job that only took 1 hour; it didn't pay much, but it paid enough for someone who wasn't going out due to the pandemic, so I would do my hour of work and then spend the whole day watching anime and playing video games.
Eventually, the flare subsided, and I moved to a new medication.
Fast forward to 2024, I fell in love with mantra, especially ohm chanting, and another mantra I won't mention due to mystical reasons; it was great. It wasn't as good as the period when I fell in love with body scanning, but it was the next best thing. It was really nice. At the same time, I fell in love with going to the gym after changing my approach thanks to the suggestion of a friend. Instead of focusing on a long-term outcome, I focused on the pleasant, slight pain of having worked my muscles.
Around this time, I found out about the puer archetype, and that gave me things to work on. Finally, I decided to go to a psychiatrist and got diagnosed with ADHD, which was great because it gave me a path to walk. When I was about to start cognitive rehabilitation, I felt an unusual irradiating pain; it turned out to be a disc protrusion.
I had to quit the gym because I would need a personal trainer to guide me, and I don't have the finances for that. I couldn't afford the cognitive rehab and the physical therapy at the same time either.
Mantra chanting got ruined because, for some reason, the vibrations of the chanting activated the pain, and my meditation time got limited to around 15 minutes because of my leg cramps (another effect of the disc protrusion).
Doing the right thing is already hard by default, and then things happened that made it harder. I am tired of life insisting on increasing the difficulty two levels beyond where I am at, and this occurences have internalized the idea that "every time you go up, life will make sure to bring you back down, so trying is not worth it".
I don't believe that to be true at the level of logic, but something in me does believe it enough to highjack my motivation circuits.
My social media habits are the worst they have been, my weed consumption went from once a week during the weekend to the whole weekend (Friday, Saturday, and Sunday), and I would like to say I'm back to masturbating once a day, but is a little bit more than that. I don't think masturbation is bad, but given my patterns, I see it as a signal of what is going on inside.
The body is a bad recipient for anger first because it isn't a person that will correct it ways just because you speak to it with authority and firmness, and second because, at the end of the day is your body, and you wouldn't want to upset it anyway.
I can imagine what some would say, "Oh, is the body demanding you to take more care of it, maybe this is a good thi..." NO! It isn't a good thing, because right now I need money, and I was already working on that when my body decided to make that process harder. So if this is all the body's agenda, then the body's approach to its agenda is getting in the way of its own agenda.
All it did was to get the fast-forward button to press itself. I didn't decide that, like last time, I tried and have kept trying to unpress it, but at best, things return to normal for a week before fast-forwarding again.
Now is may, my birthday is a few days away, and all I can think is how little I have done the past 5 months, not to mention that I didn't do much last year. At this point, I feel at the mercy of luck.
On the potentially good side of things, someone I know told me there is an open position where they work and gave me a contact to email.
Right now, I’m waiting.
The position pays almost twice what I’m currently earning, and it’s remote work.
Fingers crossed, because this could be exactly the kind of luck I’ve been talking about. It would be a funny synchronicity because I met that person during a period when I was going out a lot, basically grinding hard to improve my social skills, so if this comes to fruition, it would be like receiving help from my 2017 self, and it would send a good message to that part that keeps asking, "why try?"
Even if it doesn't come to fruition, this might still be a knock on the door.
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here it is:
https://youtu.be/CYMYE3mj1ws?si=sbaHT1fpud5euqZ8
Also you can share your favorite song too
Context: I'm building a world where on 2020 a weird wave made every person 10 times shorter (which also means people are a 1/1000 of their original mass and volume)
Where would you get food and water?
Where would you live?
What would be your weapon of choice?
My answers:
- for a while supermarkets until everything is gone or rotten. Then would have to find a fresh source of water. The bad news is accessbility the good news is that I would need much less
- I would live near where I am currently. Would search for neighbores and organize a group to live in whatever appartment we find to be more convenient. Ideally not on the ground floor but not too high.
- A sewing needle
When answering these questions imagine you got shrunk now or a few months/years ago.
What I understand is that powerful imagery, recurrent symbols that appear in dreams, and things one overreacts to could be ingredients of this; it also seems there is more than one way to do. But I am not sure if I grasp it fully.
I will offer a few random details about me that can serve:
- Arts I enjoy engaging with: writing, painting, clay sculpting
- I have associative synesthesia: some words evoke different colors (e.g. Saturday is beige, extroverted intuition is a lively green...), music evokes colors and texture, strong sexual attraction evokes imagery, texture and taste of sweet pastry (e.g. one crush evokes mochi, another evokes brownies)
- Currently, I am working on world-building, and funny enough, I have had struggles in the process recently that remind me of issues I am dealing with in real life as the subconscious was talking to me through my world-building process
- My sex drive has peculiarities that I suspect have to do with a mix of two typical autism traits(sensory differences and special interest), in addition, my sexual synesthesia influences it. Some physical characteristics cause synesthesia. I have considered improving my sculpting skills around anatomy because I suspect that this could help process and understand my sexuality (not sure if it makes sense; this insight doesn't come from rationality).
Would love to get some advice on how to work with this material using active imagination. Feel free to ask questions for context or even just out of curiosity (two things I enjoy: exploring others' inner world, presenting mine to others).
I often wonder if I can do it. Especially the kind of charisma that is romantically/sexually attractive. People already at least tend to be comfy with me, which I wouldn't describe as charisma but could be an ingredient for it.
why?
Because if the moon is local landing on it would be trivial.
A plane would suffice... which then prompts some of them to say "the moon is not a solid object" but even ignoring the obvious craters on the moon and how only solid objects can have craters it would be trivial to get a close photo of the moon or extract material from it.
​
On the dream I called an Uber to go to my friend's house. The uber arrived but the driver was a kid no older than 8 years. His father who wasn't there somehow told me that he couldn't go but that I could trust his son (He wasn't there but dream logic allowed him to be there and explain me without being there).
The kid looked physically young but had a serious, serene and very adult aura to him. You have probably seen in real life kids that seem grown up in some ways.
The dream changes and in this new version I'm far away from the kid but at the same time I need the kid to arrive to the destination in order for me to reach it.
He called me via cellphone and told me he got lost and I see with my mind 's eye that he is somehow driving in the ocean. It all feel perilous and I fear not arriving in time (remember the kid ks transporting me but at the same time I'm faraway and unable to help the kid).
The whole "here but not here" seem both in me and the father of the kid I think refers to the shadow. I don't have access to guiding the kid because the kid is in my shadow and so is his father (emphasized by the sea, which obmy dreams often means the subconcious). Alternatively I am the kid who lost access to the father and the adult.
I know I suggested the kid is the puer but his adulty demeanor might point in another direction, maybe having to face responsabilities but feeling incompetent and unable to do then well. Lately I have been feeling like I can't escape my current situation without luck and my actions feel small an unimportant