I’ve been trying to cope with the effects of sexual abuse I experienced when I was 15 for about 10 years now. I’m 25 years old and currently receiving professional support. I thought I’d be able to share this with my therapist; I’ve been in therapy for about a year, but I still can’t find the strength to talk about it.
From time to time, I experience intense startle responses. I can be extremely sensitive to sudden noises, movements, or unexpected situations. Being in the dark is often difficult for me. I have nightmares, and when I wake up, I feel as though I’m reliving that moment all over again. These situations sometimes make my daily life quite challenging.
Sexuality is also a particularly challenging area for me. I may experience reactions like crying, nausea, and a strong sense of discomfort.
Sometimes the question “Am I worth living?” becomes overwhelming in my mind, and I struggle to cope with it. I feel dirty, and I sometimes think I don’t deserve anyone’s love—not even my boyfriend’s.
I think I’m giving up on things I could easily let go of during this process. Even eating feels very difficult, and I feel like I’m doing it as if everything were coming to an end. Living with this feels incredibly heavy to me. Sometimes I find myself involuntarily falling into thoughts that I don’t deserve to live, and I struggle to cope with these thoughts.
My purpose in writing this isn’t to draw attention; I just want to express for the first time the things I’ve been holding inside for a long time. If you’ve read this far, thank you.