I don't know how to get over this. I have never felt this bad before in my life. I am in dire need of advice.
This is so fucking stupid because this is over someone I've never even met irl, but we've just always spent so much time together.
Three years ago, I met this woman online in an attempt to learn more about my culture (I am Egyptian, but born and raised in America). I met her through a language exchange app and honestly just wanted to make a friend internationally and leave it at that. It quickly progressed after that though. We talked for hours and hours every day. We both opened up to each other about things we've never spoken to anyone else to. We would spend our weekend watching movies or playing games or reading books. It became pretty clear that we really, really liked each other.
She asked me to be in a relationship, but due to struggles in my life I just wouldn't be able to swing it. For context, I am essentially the breadwinner for my family at the moment. Most of my paycheck is eaten up by paying for the mortgage on the house, most of the house bills, groceries, etc. Even though both of my parents are still alive, I have just been under immense pressure to keep things afloat for the family.
I told her specifically if she was in America, I honestly would've married her by now. She meant that fucking much to me.
2024 and 2025 went by and there were a few more sparks of her asking to be a couple and I don't know why I felt like I HAD to shoot her down because it wouldn't be fair to her for her to have to wait for me to figure my shit out and go see her. In the back of my mind I told myself I didn't want to stop her from finding somebody locally if she could.
February of this year we were about to watch a movie together, when she asked me again that she thinks I should be her bf. I told her the same spiel, nothing in my life circumstances has changed and I couldn't swing it. After this final rejection we stopped talking for about a month. She ended up messaging me again after a month and we just chatted casually as friends, but I knew something was up. After a few weeks we went from messaging every single day to a few times a week to once a week. I eventually confronted her about this and asked her and she said she has a boyfriend irl now.
This happened last Friday and I still feel so fucking crushed. I essentially lost my best friend. I talked to her and opened up to her about things that I've never spoken to with anyone else and she said the same about me. We opened up our views on our religion and how hard it is to find people that have the same views as us. She was literally my best friend for the past 3 years whenever I needed someone to talk to. My brain for the past week has just been in a perpetual state of sadness, and whenever I felt sad in the past I would just go talk to her but I CAN'T talk to her now and it eats me up inside. It kills me even more knowing that there's someone else in her life now that is doing all the things I wish I could do with her.
I asked her if we could chat on the phone yesterday and she agreed. I opened up to her about how much I regret not taking it seriously. How if I knew just how special and how much she meant to me I would've said yes three years ago. I hate how I had to learn this way just how much she meant to me. I wanted her to meet my family and see me here and I wanted to go there and meet her family and friends and I wanted to hug her and comfort her and all of these things and we both ended up sobbing on the phone. She told me she'll never stop caring for me, that I've had a profound positive impact on her life, but the timing just wasn't in our favor. She had to get over me to move on and she said I'll get over her to move on too. She wants me to feel better, but she said she just no longer has romantic feelings for me anymore.
I don't know what to do anymore. I am in talks with a therapist and a psychiatrist and they're trying to make a plan for me to deal with this but I'm just so fucking lost without her.
I used to have cancer in the past where I had to stay in the hospital for months at a time and my whole life was on pause, and even that didn't feel as bad as I am feeling right now. I have never cried as much as I have cried in the past week. I keep waking up in the middle of the night and checking my phone to see if she sent me a message or not. I haven't eaten in a week and have lost 14lbs.
How can I get over losing my best friend? My one person in my life that I could tell anything to and go to for comfort? Does anyone have any ideas because I am just fucking losing it right now.