I am 22. I was/am in a relationship for past 2 years. It has been a very tough time for me overall. I live far from my native place, my family in some other place, totally different language, totally different mannerisms. I chose someone from a different place for myself, closer to where I live currently. Considered him as my local family. Naturally everything about us is different... Language, upbringing, mannerisms and the weird part is I am highly extrovert who loves to communicate and the guy is vice versa. Ofc it wasn't easy mutually. It was full of on and off. It still is.
The guy has his own mood swings- sometimes he really likes me and sometimes he doesn't. I think I have completely forgotten the meaning of word "love" where 2 people are supposed to adjust with each other. I do the most in my case. I feel I am quite embarrassed in front of my friends and family because every small fight makes us far apart. And I have become a emotional fool in front of all who is always left crying at the end.
Last year around the same time he broke up w me. Left me like anything. Honestly I felt like ending up life for once. Later I brought a lot of changes in myself. Became stronger. Never cried in front of people. Again he came back in my life and stupid me knowing he can leave me anytime again ofc... Came back in ship. Such a stupid move by me honestly. But love makes you stupid.
For me no communication is such a turn off. He doesn't like to communicate. I never shout at him. Slight raise of voice burns something inside him so I avoid. I always dreamt of having only 1 person in my life. But I think, I was wrong. I don't know, something inside me still doesn't want to leave him. I am not sure is it love or image in front of all. This whole shit is very embarrassing to my existential profile. I feel no warmth, no care and no reciprocation in return of my time, love and a hell lot of feelings
I think I should keep up with my self respect. No matter how much I feel alone, I shouldn't date anyone else until I am back to my old version. I was such a jolly soul. I still have 2 years left to go back to my home. I know I will feel a lot alone without him here but...I really have to move on but I don't know how?!