I really need to get it off my chest.
Lately I'm [37M] having a lot of issues with my fiancée [33F] of 4 years. Before we met, she had one marriage and had a daughter, (she initiated the divorce for her last partner), I was never married but had long monogamous relationships.
The first year was amazing. No arguments, no problems, nothing. It was like a dream come true for both of us. We started living together on the 4th month in an apartment.
After the first year, we decided to move to a smaller town where her parents live, so her daughter can go to school easier, her mom can help with the kid, and we can rent a private house with a garden that we dreamt about. Another reason is that we live in Ukraine, usually there are missile alerts and kids need to go to shelters. It was logistically easier to live in a small town so we can quickly move from A to B if needed. (We lived in a big city before)
I met her family and became good friends with her brothers. I was alone, as I didn't know anybody in this town, and I didn't have my family here as I live abroad. (In her country) It was hard, because I often felt like a zombie in society. I can't speak the language, nobody speaks English, all my surroundings are her family and brothers. I tried to socialise as much as I could but couldn't make any friends. Too much language barrier and usually men don't hang around outside anymore because of war. In big cities there were some expat groups but in this town there is none.
We both work remotely and after a while this started giving us some stress. We didn't have almost nothing to talk about because 24/7 we were together. After a while arguments started.
Fast forward a year, we had a big fight one day, when she told me that I'm not doing anything about us. I was laid off for 6 months at that time, but I was fully paying our rent, food and utilities. I was taking her out a few times every week. I was taking care of the car, buying fuel, and paying all vacations. I told her that I'm still providing to us even though I'm jobless, because I had my savings for 3 years. She got offended, said that it's expected from a man to pay for a house. She complained that she needs to do dishes, do laundry, cook for us and do all the chores and it's easy for me because I can just pay rent and lay down while she is working full time to make money.
I told her that she can pay the rent instead if she prefers and I can do all the chores if she prefers. All my life I lived alone so I did all those things anyway, it's not a hard task for me. She got offended, rejected the idea, and said that what kind of man you are and things like this. After a few days she wanted to move out, I told her to not go and let's fix our issues by dialogue. She stayed but in general was unhappy from that moment.
Fast forward 2 years - we already separated houses last year because one day, she decided to pay rent and kicked me out. She kept saying "You said the house belongs to who pays the rent so this month I paid so you can go". The reason why she did it is because I told her: "Listen, after every fight I'm the one going to hotels to give each other space. I'm the one spending time outside to cool down. I'm the one preparing a backpack. It's not easy. Next time if we fight, you will take your backpack and go, so you'll know that it's not a pleasant experience. In fact, why am I going all the time? I'm paying the rent here, so this apartment should be more mine than yours."
Last year, was even worse. There was a lot of absurdity that I started taking notes to not forget reality.
**Story 1:** We went to the big city for vacation. She decided to sit in a restaurant where my ex was sitting with her new boyfriend. She asked me if it was her and I said "Looks like her", because I didn't see her for 3 years. She asked me to come to that restaurant, I said let's pick another place because I don't want to be near ex. She started telling me "Oh you still love her, that's why?". I said fuck it, I'll come, because I know that she'll create drama otherwise.
I came, my ex recognised me and said "Hi", and I said "Hi" back, we did some small chit-chat about our families/friends/how they are and I introduced my girlfriend to my ex and my ex introduced her new boyfriend to me. Nothing special. We left them and ordered our food.
My girlfriend became very angry. I was like "What's going on?", she started telling me "Why didn't you kiss me in front of her? Why didn't you hug me?" etc. I said that I didn't need to prove our relationship to her, and you wanted me to come here. She was angry all evening.
**Story 2:** (the last fight that caused break up) I wanted to cook a dinner for her the day before her vacation. Just a good gesture. I bought all the ingredients. She asked me to not mix spices because she doesn't like if spices are mixed (e.g meat should be marinated with meat spices, potatoes with potato spices etc) and she asked me to not forget salt. I told her okay, but let's invite her family also, so she can also spend time with her family before going abroad, and we would have a lot of food anyway.
I spent a lot of time in kitchen, placed the food in oven but I realised that I forgot salt. I thought it's okay, as I can't take food from oven now. We can just add extra salt. Her parents and daughter came, I prepared table for all of us, and served plates. She said that food is not salty. I told her that "Sorry, I forgot", she said that "I thought you were kidding", and I told her that "No, I was planning to add salt on top of food, because you asked me to not mix spices, but I forgot salt and food was already in oven so I couldn't take it outside. It was packaged.", she started raising her voice, "I know that you didn't put salt intentionally because you wanted to show me that you are strong and independent", I told her that "If I didn't want you to eat, I would just cook food at my home, why would I do such thing?". Eventually I realized that this fight will keep going on so I told her: "Listen, we are in table with your family. They are eating. You can add salt on top. If you didn't like the food, don't eat, I'll order something for you.". She kept eating, told that all day she was working and she is hungry and she needs to put something to her stomach. I explained that her behaviour is hurting me and it would seem really strange if we reversed roles (e.g she is cooking for me and my mom and I'm complaining that food doesn't have salt). Anyway, this fight wasn't going to end, and I simply left the table and told them that I lost my appetite. I packed the food into a box and told her mom to bring it to village dog, at least the dog would appreciate and not complain about the salt.
When I prepared my backpack and was about to leave, she blocked me, asked me to sit on table again. It was silent for a while. After that, her mom and her talked some things in bedroom for 15 minutes and mom and daughter left.
We were alone, and she started asking me why food was without salt. I started getting angry this time, and I raised my voice to her, I told her that "I forgot, I'm a human. Food can be burned. We may lose electricity. This is life. I wanted to cook for you but looks like I should never do anything for you because you appreciate nothing in your life." She kept saying that "No, you didn't put salt just because I asked for it, I know it. You don't love me. You ignore what I say, you ignore my feelings, you don't care". We both became angry and things from the past kept appearing.
I saw that food was still there, mom didn't take it to the dog but there was a really big heated arguement about this food still. So I took this food and threw from balcony. She started calling me names, stupid, idiot, that it's food and stuff. I told her that animals will eat it, don't worry. It was a mistake maybe but she kept this fight for almost 3 hours at that point and I have repeatedly asked her that it's enough already.
Anyway, we had 5 minutes break, she was in balcony and I was in kitchen. Things were more calm. I saw our cat near the balcony meowing. (Usually she does it when she wants me to take her to balcony for fresh air). I took her to balcony, and asked my fiancee if she is more calm now. She asked me what I'm doing with the cat. I made a joke that I'll throw her too (I don't know why I said it, maybe a dark joke would be funny, I don't know). She started calling me names again. And I told her: Look, I'm not an idiot. She was meowing so I took her outside for fresh air. We will go back inside now.
Anyway, she asked me to leave. I didn't want to leave, I wanted to have a calm talk. She left herself. Asked me to leave again. I told her to come and let's talk. In the end she carried my belongings to car and told me that she'll call police if I don't go. Because she feels threatened from my behaviour now.
I admit that it wasn't right, I had to leave. But all this years I didn't do anything physical to her. Our fights were mostly verbal. Sometimes when I felt like I'm being unappreciated/being taken advantage of - I can harm objects, especially if it's something that she enjoys but doesn't appreciate. Like, I bought for her a jacket, a few hours later she says "You don't buy me anything" - I remind her that "Just today I bought a jacket...", and she creates a fight about it that "you are man, it's your responsibility, don't talk about how much money you spend on me" and stuff like that. I took scissors and cut it. In such scenarios I do this, because I feel like nothing ever is enough. I feel like a cornered car after hours of fighting and defending myself and I take my revenge from the objects.
Now, she says that we're done, because she is scared from me. She says that I'll throw cats from balcony, that I'll beat her, if we were married I would divorce her, I would not pay alimony like her ex - she knows all this, she doesn't want to risk her life and things like that. I again defended myself.
Are we married? No Did we have a kid together? No Did we divorce? No Did judge set alimony? No Did I receive receipt and didn't pay alimony? No Did I throw an animal from balcony? No
I asked her to stop judging me from imaginary things, many many times.
And when I talk to her, just to have a coffee and try to have a normal dialogue, she says that I'll never understand her, I'll never change, I'll always be angry. If you press all my buttons non-stop about imaginary things and accuse me 24/7, for sure I'll be angry.
Having a vacation? I must be cheating. Lost job? We'll dig potatoes next day. Taking bath in her apartment? I need to ask permission or pay money for water because she is a poor weak angel who raises kid alone. Passing a car? Why I need to pass. Why trash is not taken, why did you put bottle where I can't reach, why did you make BBQ, I'll be fat because of you.
This is what she texted me on WhatsApp a year ago when we were fighting:
If I’ll see that you’re ready for creating family I’ll be your family.
About rent - first take it from your apartment and after from me. I can’t realise that there is more weak man without family and responsibilities than an alone woman with a kid who’s trying hard and paying it to her future husband.
I will make drama when I want, because it in my nature.
I can comment about financial because you don’t give me nothing right now and one day I’ll need to recover my teeth, kids health, nails, clothes,
Now I take from you zero. So it should be at least 700$ per month.
About fridge and utilities it’s your responsibility.
І can talk about what I want and feel.
І will make drama if I want to. It’s my decision.
If I’ll give you a kid I need an apartment to feel safe in case I’ll be alone later and you’ll not pay alimony.
I will talk about water bottles and trash because you already not doing it more than 1 week.
If one day you’ll become rich all your friends, relatives will be rich. Just not you and your wife!
she talks like this all the time. After she twists reality so that's why I decided to take copies of everything what she says.
I'm wondering, am I crazy for exploding during fights? Yes I have anger issues but reading such text over and over and over again makes my blood boil. Being accused of cheating, being accused of throwing cats, being accused of not paying alimony (when I don't even have a kid, lol) just makes me feel really angry.
Anyway, we broke up, and I already feel much better. I'll try to get therapy about my anger issues and maybe take small doses of Prozac when I talk to a doctor. However, I'm wondering, as there are multiple sides to a story, maybe I'm changing the reality a bit on my favour, but am I really an asshole? I destroyed this relationship like how she believes?
I really thought we had something special. We were hugging each other in shelter when missiles were coming to our cities. Guess we just had a deep trauma bond...
I wish she would understand how much she hurt me and understand that my reaction is mostly after her pressure, but she won't do it. Time to move on.