I think it makes sense.
This isn't about...keeping a scoreboard. Or arbitrarily assigning blame. If it hasn't been clear, it's never been about that. Only fault actions, not someone's morals or character.
But. Y'know. I should have read the signs.
Even early, you never wanted to share my existence on social media. Just wanted to appear single. You'd even say that I don't have an insta, so why did it matter? Because I guess at the end of the day, having my existence there wouldn't benefit you.
And then one day you took me off of it, and then said that you were thinking about splitting. I asked why you took me down, and you said "I just wanted to picture what my life would be like without you", and put it back up and decided to stay with me after an anxiety ridden day.
Another time when you visited SD, you said maybe we're just not compatible while I was stressing about an interview or finals or something, and asked if we should break up. I pushed back.
Two more times, you'd bring the breakup question up again. Maybe there was a miscommunication, maybe I didn't catch something. To you, you've been thinking about it for a while. For me I was caught so off guard about it. I remember having to cancel on a thing with a friend because you dropped it on my so suddenly, another time it was before Anime Expo.
How do I remember these instances so clearly, but not the instances where you suggest what I could have been doing better so it wouldn't get to that point at all? Am I so shortsighted that I only feared the outcome but not your happiness that it wouldn't get to that point? And here I was thinking the emotional checkins would actually do something.
And all the while, there were people in your back pocket. A guy you said you stopped contacting completely, and then I'd see that you liked his Instagram photo like a week before the conversation. Of course, you denied it.
And then all of this. The double break up and immediately going back to the guy you admit I was right about.
The amount of times I was told I was paranoid, or crazy only to be proven right. For years. Years of this.
I don't know. The 2 times I freaked out and tried to leave were always sparked from learning some horrible secret and feeling like your secrets and orbiters were more important than me, or feeling disrespected from a situation - and I'd try to talk about it. I'd try to bring it up. But...you guessed it, whenever I'd bring up my hurt, it's "Do you want to break up?". And then I'd apologize and just minimize the pain more. There were more mature ways of bringing up my pain. I shouldn't have freaked out and said "you should just leave me so you can finally date someone better", obviously. I should have asked for reassurance in a mature manner. But I don't know. You really would defend a plank of wood you've met for 5 minutes over me. Even when you yourself admit that I was right most of the time.
It makes sense, the distance your created. It was always work, sorority, friends, family, then me. I'd be the first to be rescheduled in any circumstance, because I get the most time with you, right? But it'd be mostly filled with you preoccupied with a chore or scrolling on your phone. Or you'd attempt to make time with me at the expense of sleeping at some ungodly hour, which made me feel guilty.
You know what's fucked up? All of the stuff you did that hurt me, I was willing to keep going. I was always willing to keep going. Even when you yelled at me. If you said those hateful things you did say to me if we were in the relationship, I'd still probably want to keep going. You could probably hit me and I'd want to keep going.
Let's just face it. You wanted out. You never wanted me. So it makes complete sense that you have such much resentment and hatred towards me as a person that you were able to write that message in the first place. I kept you in something you just never wanted to be in after even probably the first year. I'll never understand why you said the sweet things you have said about me. Right now, you'd probably say "That's another reason why I had to leave, you never believed me when I said things". But...That's the rub. You were always trying to leave. I shouldn't have to fight for someone to stay, or to choose me.
You wanted a marriage and kids, but not an actual relationship with me.
I don't know what you ever felt towards me. It didn't feel like consistent love, or even friendliness or affection. That's reserved for...everyone but me, in your life.
The only thing I ever was to you was obligation, and the disgust of my needs and desires.
It all sort of makes sense now. What happened back then, and now.
You never really chose me. Why would I ever expect it to be different?
Sorry for keeping you for so long in this. You wanted out long ago. I shouldn't have kept stopping you. Selfish of me. I shouldn't have fought so long for someone who just inherently probably never liked me past infatuation and kept pushing for distance.
You deserve to be happy. Sorry I wasted so much of your time. I know you hated being with me.
I guess that's something you and I do have in common. I hate being with me too.