u/Ariel_VVind — reddlx

What the title says. I'm turning 29 this year and started benzos when I was 21. I took alprazolam for maybe a month or two but I never mention it, it was such a short time. Then I was switched to bromazepam and have taken 1,5mg daily for the next 8 years, 3mg at the very end before I realized it was bad and I should quit. Now I'm tapering, I'm down to 0,1mg daily, and I started noting down my symptoms to see if it was safe enough to jump. I thought sharing this list could help some people, it definitely helped me realize I was making progress even if there are days I feel like I'm going crazy.

I started benzos in 2018 and it's now 2026. Just note that some symptoms were not there from the beginning (e.g : mood swings started only around 2024) or evolved over time (e.g : I had different subtypes of OCD over the years). Also trigger warning for suicidal ideation mention.

Symptoms while on bromazepam (interdose/tolerance withdrawal) :

Severe insomnia: could not sleep at all, almost everyday, was an anxious and wired mess at night. I ended up sleeping on the couch for most of the four years I lived with my ex-partner to not wake them up by rolling around in the shared bed. I cried most nights because I didn't get why I could not just fall asleep. Sometimes my body would crash out and I'd get sleep from like, 6am to noon.
OCD, intrusive thoughts, ruminations, tendency to catastrophize: I had/have OCD about pretty much everything. Secretely being mean to my ex-partner, or now, my new crush, or being abusive in general towards people or my pets, being a sexuality or gender I was not; health anxiety and contamination as well. OCD about being bipolar, about being suicidal. It was happening non-stop.
Racing thoughts: go hand in hand with ruminations. Sometimes my brain could not stop, especially at night, even when I was aware if I stopped, I'd relax and fall asleep more easily.
Burnout: I was jobless from 2018 to 2024 (was still a student, then really jobless), but I did try to hold jobs... and just couldn't. It felt like my brain was "closing in" on itself whenever I got a bit of a hard week at work, like it was cutting itself from the outside world, making me crash out and thus unable to function for weeks or months. I quit my first job like this, then another one. Then tried to be self employed and kept burning out every two or three gigs. Then went back to college in 2024 for a career change, and the college year included a mandatory internship, which I almost quit as well, because my brain did this thing again, EVEN as everything was going wonderfully and I loved my new job and coworkers. (Luckily, I made it through, more on that later) I ended up believing I was disabled in some way, couldn't work at all, see the symptom just below.
Exhaustion, feeling like I had chronic fatigue: I was exhausted, but never feeling physically tired. Can't really explain it. I tried to seek out a CFS diagnosis and the doctor I saw pretty much laughed me out of the room, saying this condition doesn't exist (which is another problem in itself, like, what doctor does that, although she ended up being right that it wasn't my issue).
Balance issues, especially in crowded spaces : it felt like, especially in big supermarkets, that I was about to fall at any given time. Often had to sit down, wait for the silent panic attack coming with the feeling to pass, then leave the building.
Weakness in the legs : there were a few times my legs just... stopped working, couldn't bear my weight. Luckily, it always happened at home. Like I would try to sit up from a chair or the couch and just had to fall back because my legs weren't responding. Once I pathetically let myself slide to the floor because I foresaw the problem, so I avoided a full fall, but it was too late to sit back down.
Actual suicidal ideation, not just OCD about being suicidal : this one appeared fairly late, around 2024. I had undertaken a lot of projects to actually fix my life, and the stress made the « brain closing in on itself » sensation be almost permanent. I pushed through but the pain was so intense I started to feel like it would be better to stop experiencing anything, to stop existing. It never evolved into active suicidal ideation but, like a serpent eating its own tail, I got OCD about being secretely actively suicidal, which made everything worse.
Irritability, mood swings : those also arrived later, 2024 or so. They were so uncharacteristic of me that I immediately identified there was a problem (I tend to be an emotionless brick, which is not good either, but the difference was thus very visible). I started getting mad easily, to wish violence on people (e.g on the doctor who laughed me out of her office). I switch from being hopeful to being depressed quite often. I have crying spells.
Agoraphobia : at the worst I was housebound for six months from late 2022 to early 2023. It felt like the very space around me was going to crush me down. I was living alone at the time so whenever I thought I should go out to, you know, get groceries or I wouldn't eat, I had to crawl back home because I would panic on the way to the store. I ended up using food delivery services. Then it got a bit better when I moved in with my parents and got a bit social again (isolation probably made it worse). I managed to go out again, but I could randomly start to panic in the street or any store still.
Weird cravings : those only started like, maybe six months before I started tapering, when my levels of stress had gone through the roof (I had gone back to college and it was a month before finals) but they were so strange they definitely helped me notice something was extremely wrong. I started craving alcohol and cigarettes. Alcohol I understand : I was an occasional drinker, but like a good French person I enjoyed a nice glass of red wine with camembert from time to time or a glass of champagne during the Christmas family dinner. Like, it makes sense I would crave something I like to alleviate the stress. But cigarettes ? I had never touched any. I hate cigarettes, I hate the smell, I hate the smoke, everything. I did not start smoking but it was so weird to crave a thing I loathe.
Body zaps before falling asleep : I first thought I had sleep apnea. But those zaps always happen when I just got into bed, never in the middle of the night, and I'm never out of breath. Can't really say those are the « falling sensation » one can get sometimes, it's different. They are not night terrors either, although I do wake up panicking. Sometimes it happens half a dozen times in a row.
Hypomanic/mixed episode like state : not really sure about this one, that's why I get OCD about bipolar disorder after all. But with the mood swings, and sometimes the urge to do something, but not knowing what, going on random walks, or drives, focusing intensely on a task (like writing this list for reddit... lol), being euphoric and confident then depressed... yeah.
Long lasting depression and anxiety : if we do not count a six months or so period in the past 8 years where I experienced a weird high, I never had a period of normal mood at all. To the point I forgot what it felt like.
Memory issues, cognitive issues : those are not full blown, but they're here. I feel like I forget about names or ideas that I learned not that long ago. That I don't grasp new concepts the way I used to. That sometimes my own thoughts slip through my fingers, like they haven't been tied tightly enough to my brain. Some sentences are hard to form. I have several friends with cognitive issues (caused by physical or psychological trauma, CFS...), and I'm not where they're at, I can't say I have brain fog the way they describe it, I don't have amnesia about entire events of my life... but I guess I was headed there. I'm glad I decided to quit benzos before those issues got worse.

Then I started tapering (in september 2025). Until february 2026, some symptoms listed above got worse, new symptoms appeared... but some also started to get better. Note that I tapered way too fast at first. Let's go :

For the symptoms that got worse, when my cuts were too big :

Insomnia : it was horrible. I could not sleep but in a worse way than before. Like, I used to compensate by sleeping in the morning, and I have a job now, I can't do that anymore. So I went on with my life sometimes not sleeping for four days in a row and I was an anxious mess about it. I was hysterical. I couldn't take days off, I'm the last addition to the team, I had not accumulated enough days for it. I couldn't go on a sick leave, because until february I had some sort of « trainee » status that didn't really account for the fact one could get sick, and even, if I couldn't get trained, I would lose the job. So. This lasted for two months (december/january).
Anxiety : I had panic attacks basically all the time, and stronger than ever before. My heart would start beating like it was about to explode. I would shake so much, and so often. I got hot flashes. I actually caved in and took three rescue doses during that time (don't do that, it made it worse when the effect faded).
OCD, ruminations, intrusive thoughts, tendency to catastrophize : those became so loud they impaired my functioning. I wrote them all down in a diary and on average it was two pages a day of, just, the same distressing thoughts coming back again and again.
Suicidal ideation : to the point I wanted to bang my head against the wall. It was strange. I know suicidal thoughts are distressing for some people, but what my friends who have been suicidal tell me is that you usually find comfort in the idea of not being there anymore. I did not. It was a constant fight between the intrusive thoughts and my desire to live (« I can't be like that, I don't want to be like that, make it stop, I know I want to live, why do the thoughts keep coming back »).
Zaps before sleep : became daily.

For the new symptoms (between september and january):

Benzo belly : at the very start of the taper my stomach got stuck. Like a metal spike was in it and prevented me from moving. I spent a full day in bed with a hot water bottle. It took several hours for my tummy to finally relax. I had another moment like that a few months later, but the pain was mimicking appendicitis. It was horrible, I only owe it to my mother (who calmed me down) to not have called the ER. Aside from that I sometimes get constipated. Not very sexy, but manageable.
Impression that my brain was going to snap in half : no idea how else to describe it. It lasted for two months (december/january as well). Like I had a weird sensation up there that wasn't a headache. I would always think this is what people feel before they have a seizure (I never had any, luckily). It was so weird. It felt like I was about to lose control of my entire body and end up on the floor.
Muscle tension : in my jaw, mostly. I usually don't hold tension in my jaw, but in my neck and shoulders, so it was really new for me, and to this day I use jaw aches to detect whenever I enter withdrawal again.
Loss of appetite and weight loss : I could barely eat. My stomach was sealed tightly. After two or three spoons I just couldn't swallow anything more, I had no room down there. What didn't help was that food lost its appeal. It had no taste, no smell, it had bad texture, it was just goo to me. When it had smell it was repulsive. I lost 10 kgs like that. My body really had to enter survival mode and burn stored fats, it was horrible.

With that said, here is the positive from that period :

Balance issues and weakness in the legs : they were gone almost immediately. It was magical. I can stand and walk without the need to sit down.
Agoraphobia : it feels like somehow it goes hand in hand with my balance issues, as I would feel I was about to fall even more if I had an agoraphobic moment. But agoraphobia is gone as well (after waving goodbye by skyrocketing for two weeks). I can walk everywhere now. And I don't even panic while doing it.
Dreams came back ! I didn't even really realize I had all but stopped having dreams. Almost immediately after the start of the taper, I started to have vivid dreams (when I managed to sleep), about anything, every night. This is still the most clear sign I'm healing.
No more weird cravings. Phew. I stopped alcohol completely just in case (and coffee, as well).

Then, in february 2026, I switched taper method and it got a bit better (although recently people on here made me realize it was still too fast). Overall I'm more stable unless triggered, and it's less that I have new symptoms and more that my existing symptoms are evolving or even going away (the only one that hasn't evolved at all so far is the memory/cognitive issues).

With that said, there are a few that are new :

Tinnitus : first in my left ear, now in both. Until march my ears were ringing most of the day everyday. Now the ringings seem to be spacing out.
PMS and period pain : they got worse. There was a moment I was having horrible cramps I had to call in sick at work (I was able to do that, finally) and I went and got scans for cysts and the likes (I have PCOS). Everything came back « normal ». I don't have endometriosis. Sometimes it just hurts that bad, although I didn't get those horrible cramps again since.
Strong, very strong OCD about the possibility I'm about to go crazy : I guess it's a continuation of the fear of being bipolar ? Everyday feels like I'm walking on eggshells, that something is going to go wrong, that I'm going to lose all that I worked for, that I can't live alone, can't be independent. I'm literally scared to get too happy. I'm hypervigilant. I overanalyse everything that I do to check if I'm capable. In theory I suppose it's my amygdala or something sending fake alarms now that I'm nearing 0mg. In practice it's very hard not to listen. I almost feel like I'm traumatized.

That one symptom makes it particularly hard because everything else objectively started getting better. It's insane, in a good way :

OCD, ruminations, suicidal ideation, etc : aside from the ones described just above, now my intrusive thoughts are less present. Some days I don't have any. I have to thank work for keeping my mind busy, although as I said before I used to not function well even when I should have been busy, so it means there's real progress here. When I get periods of time where the thoughts are here, they're more of a background noise. It's unpleasant but more manageable. It's even a sign I'm in withdrawal because they only get worse after a cut or during PMS. I literally stopped writing my ruminations in my diary. The last entry was in march, and it was unrelated to the taper. We're in late april at the time of writing this post.
Irritability : it's literally gone. I stopped being mad or easily annoyed.
Mood swings : those remain, sadly, but it's only between joy and sadness now. That being said, they do feel like mood swings now, in the sense I finally feel like I have periods of normal mood, which was never the case before. Like, I can feel I'm stable, less anxious, functional, happy, and then boom, time for a crying spell. And it's less between a « high » and a « low » and more between « normal » and « sad ». Of note is that I get more depressed around my period, which is made worse by withdrawal, but the rest of the time I feel better. The contrast between those two moods is very sharp and distressing, but whatever. It's different from before, so it's a sign benzos were at fault, at least in part.
Insomnia : I only spend one or two nights a month not sleeping now. The rest of the time I stabilized at around 4-5 hours of sleep per night, and a few nights a month I manage to get 6-8 hours. To be clear 4-5 hours is still not enough, but it's the most restful sleep I've gotten in 8 years. My theory is that now I can dream again, it means I get full sleep cycles instead of broken ones. So even if I don't get enough cycles during the night, I experience full cycles, and I can rest. Sometimes my sleep patterns are a bit erratic (I wake up at three then fall back asleep for example) but I get there in the end. I started being able to fall asleep almost immediately again. And then recently I started waking up naturally at 7. Which had basically not happened to me in forever. It's like my body is figuring out its cyrcadian rhythm again. It's not perfect (if I get racing thoughts until 4am at night, my brain will still wake me up at 7), but it's been an amazing sensation. I'm able to sleep. I'm able to sleep !
In the same vein, re : exhaustion : I'm not exhausted-but-never-tired anymore. Better, I now experience tiredness again. And I mean tiredness in a good way. I wake up feeling more rested than I used to, live my day, come back home, and I'm tired. I sit on my couch and think wow, it was a good day, or a bad day, or a long day, and then my body starts to relax in preparation for the evening and the night. I get sleepy again. I can take naps. I'm all drowsy after a workout session at the gym. I feel it in my body, in my muscles, in my eyes. I'm happy to go to bed now, before I was scared to lay down (although : the body zaps remain). It's probably my favorite sign that I'm healing.
My appetite is back. Not much else to say, but it's definitely positive (although I didn't regain my lost kgs yet).
Hypomanic/mixed episode like state : in some way it got better as well. I stopped experiencing the urge to wander aimlessly. Sometimes I can still feel the need to do something even if I don't know what but only when I feel very, very bad. As I said I stopped being irritable although mood swings remain. I'm definitely not always restless anymore. It can happen, but I think it's caused by withdrawal. Since 2024 and the « high » I mentioned (which I'm not even sure was hypomania, I started reanalyzing the events because of OCD, so can I trust my own perception, etc...) I haven't experienced something similar again.
Anxiety : got better, like I'm not scared of everything around me anymore, I'm not scared everything is somehow my fault, and the random but strong panic attacks stopped. I haven't had any at all since february actually. I'm not scared of other people anymore either, I even have a good relationship with my coworkers.
Burnout : I never got the impression my brain was « closing in » on itself ever again, even when I did the big cuts. I can get randomly depressed but never burnt out anymore. Before that the signs would manifest, like clockwork, after three months of work or three months of whatever stressful thing I was doing. I'm now six months into my new job, at the place I did my internship last year, and I'm doing fine. It means I can actually hold a job ! I was so scared I was going to fail again, or that if I didn't take PTO after three months I would die. I'm going to see if my boss is ready to let me go on paid leave soon though, I'm not going to push my luck and we should all get rest anyway, but, wow. In similar situations three years ago I would have ended up sick and severely depressed and back to living on benefits.

Folks, it's getting better. It is even if sometimes I forget. I still am very scared sometimes, mostly because of my OCD, and maybe I'm writing this to cope. But compiling my symptoms really helped me see that they got better or even vanished since the start of the taper, so maybe it was benzos after all. And even, if I went to a specialist now, they'd only say that the symptoms appeared while I was on benzos, and I'm still on them, so it's not like they could start a diagnosis procedure for a mental disorder in that context. It's my hope that's once I'm off completely, I'll feel better.

Some final thoughts : considering I was very lonely or quarantined (during COVID) or not doing much with my life for most of the 8 years I've been on bromazepam, I think some of my symptoms can also be explained by... social distress or boredom. I almost feel like I was not really alive during that time. Actually the reason I didn't give up on my 2024 internship was that the fear of being housebound and penniless again was stronger than the fear of learning to live. Then when I got the worst of my withdrawal symptoms (from september 2025 to february 2026), I also refused to give up on my training and thus my new job for the same reason. I wanted financial stability, I like my workplace, I live where I want to live, and I don't want to lose that. When they say you have to be very motivated to taper, it's true. My therapist said that getting my life back was my crusade and it's true. But I still almost tapped out around january. Then a friend told me I should wait because I needed to see what was on the other side. I'm still not on the other side, and it's already better. There are days I can sense who I could be once I'm off benzos... It's a long journey but it's worth it. I hope sharing my experience will help some of you.