u/Appropriate_Walk3862

Found out on Mother’s Day weekend my husband has been hiding debt and took a HELOC on our home without my knowledge. I’m on the deed, but not the mortgage. He refinanced the home for a better rate, which I was are of- I was not aware he then took out a HELOC take care of consumer debt accumulated over years.

Working though this together seems like the route we’ll take, so please help me take smart next steps. I’m a SAHM. My career prior was in a very low paying field (education) and I am enjoying this time I have to be home for a few more years. I can’t fathom right now how negatively divorce would affect my life. Husband has his tail between legs, this is our first major issue, I think he’ll do whatever I request to avoid me divorcing him.

He wants to open a new joint bank with me that his paycheck (more than enough for our living expenses) deposits into and I have full control and management of. I’ll keep my own account and money separate obviously.

Yet this doesn’t seem like enough. I’m considering a post nup. I know, I need to meet with a lawyer, but if I can get a start understanding next steps and considerations I’d be grateful. The whole opening a HELOC without my knowledge thing, is there a way I can protect my part of the equity in our home?

Extra background:
My husband and I were together 10 years before having kids and marrying, so we were used to keeping finances separate. After having our first he took over paying for fully for everything and I eventually left my career to be a sahm. We bought a house. I am on the deed, but not the mortgage. I have my own personal emergency savings and retirement. I have never shared a joint bank account with him, he pays the credit card I’m added as an authorized user to in full every few months. He and I both have credit scores above 800. There never seemed to be any red flags like missed payments or lack of access to cash. Yet, gambling is the main cause of him racking up debt so I think divorce in the future is possible but I’d like to situate myself now in the most financially protective position as possible without dissolving the marriage.

Have y’all ever sent your public school kids to VBS just because it’s cheap and your kids like activities even though you’re not a member of the church?

My husband and I were raised Catholic but have not been a part of a church since we were teens. I do not believe, but I am supportive and appreciative of the benefits and value of a church community and maybe open to exploring faith again. When I lost my mom unexpectedly a GriefShare group at a local non-denom church was an accessible and affordable support. Believing in God and using religion as a moral compass was a comfort for me as a child, I wish I still had it, and I don’t want to deprive my kids of that but I also am not able to be the one teaching them. I find myself awkwardly fumbling questions about God from my daughter. VBS at a local Lutheran church seems like it could be a great way to dip our toe in, but I am clueless. It also seems that the Catholic Churches by us have less youth programming, and if we join a church after this it has got to be one with kid programming and frankly a nursery/kids church. We can’t go from not going to church at all to trying to keep our toddlers quiet in a pew with us for over an hour for mass.