I feel very overwhelmed writing this but finally felt like I was in a room with people who "get it", so wanted to just connect to this community. I've been in a relationship since my late teens (now early 30s) with a wonderful person who has suffered with CPTSD forever (it became apparent when we moved in together 10 years ago, which is apparently typical for it to emerge once out of the trauma-inducing environment of home).
I have spent so much energy and time on healing this part of him, and only in recent years started to look in the mirror properly (he also asked me to look at the cycle with me included in it as his therapy/inner work over time has improved). I'm going to cut a very long and upsetting story short but, I went to Al-Anon yesterday with a "I'll just give it a go, it's a free resource" frame of mind.
Walked in, read their welcome pamphlet which has a list of unhealthy behaviours of someone who has lived with/supports someone with alcoholicism typically displays. I scored myself 90%.
And I'm reeling from this? I'm now trying to piece together that 16 year old me, desperate to leave my alcoholic father/household and controlled childhood, went straight into a trauma-bonded relationship and played out the same cycles... but my partner is not an alcoholic.
DOES THIS MAKE SENSE? I'm sorry if not. It's making sense to me and I feel lots of things are clicking into place. I feel sorry for younger me, angry for younger me and this immense immense grief for a life not lived fully as my own. I don't really know who I am or what I want, and I feel that very deeply now. I've spent so much time in the depression_partners sub when maybe I should have been here... for me? Looking after me.