Longing And Hope
I love my safe zone, which also put me into this situation but i can only blame myself for this. I liked my monotone life, i never been someone social, crowds disturbed me i mostly choosed solitude but it had consequences making me feel extremely lonely. Always same things, same loop, work, shower and sleep. I don't see this as bad because it means i can stay in relationship even if it gets boring or hard, i don't seek or chase thrills i just want something stable.
But i never experienced any relationship, i never felt how being loved feels like. Neglection from family, never experiencing anything truly, it's pushing me to stupid hopes which probably the only reason i am alive. I fear of missing things out, what if things change if i stay alive, what if i find someone who i can love, cherish at future? Idk it's just a hope.
At the moment it feels like there is nothing i can do rather than working and existing. I hate modern community, i believe relationships and intimacy is something special not something to share. I love the yandere word itself because it was a dream, loyalty, love, devotion, something i never got from anyone before. I want something obsessive, something passionate, something genuine and intense. I am so sure i could give them my best, mutually, but my look, my genes, the location i live? It just makes things worse. I am not tall not handsome not rich, just a 21 year old guy who trying to survive.
I crave for relationship and something real. I never used any dating apps because it feels superficial and fake and based on look. I may have freedom but i don't enjoy it. I just want to be devoted on a relationship, i want to stay loyal forever. I don't want freedom, i want love. The hardships of relationship, something serious.
People gives fake hopes. We just live once, my life is meaningless without a relationship because i never felt like full. My undivided love and attention it's getting too much. I would like to hear if anyone experienced similar things.
It just hurts to see people who doesn't deserve love gets loved most.