That’s it. Not going to do anything about it. But I need to say it. I’m so tired of hoping things get better, and that I won’t feel like this. It’s 11 weeks out today. It’s almost May, almost 3 months, Almost our birthdays. Almost a million more things that I just can’t care to get through but somehow still do.
I’m 22, he was my best friend. I’m so alone, I have no desire to be alive anymore and I feel like I’m some horrible creature that lives in my skin, walking around trying to keep the act up, while in reality I feel no connection to my life or anyone anymore.
I want to just disappear. I want to move across the country or even out of it and just start over.
Or again. Just never wake up again. I don’t want to kill myself, I have people who need me to be here. It would crush my family and friends so I won’t. But I just want to not live in the world without him. I don’t want to live another 60/70/80 years knowing I loved and I lost for only five years.
I don’t want to see how I grow or where life takes me. I just want this to be over. I just want to not feel his absence every day. Remember everything we had. Yearn for the beautiful life we were supposed to share.
I miss my person. I am angry that I robbed of him, and he was robbed of the long incredible life he should have gotten.
I love you Matt. I promise I’m still trying to hang in there.