Me and my partner are in a rough spot currently. We have two kids under 5. I am working and she has been looking for work for a while (3+ years). I recently switched jobs and got some new coworkers that I thoroughly enjoy hanging out with, both at and after work. This has lead to an imbalance between us and we are currently going to couples therapy but its pretty slow.
As it stands currently, I am going out with my coworkers about once every other week. Sometimes its a few hours after work on a Thursday, sometimes it's an all nighter on a Friday with me being hungover on Saturdays. About once every three months I go out of town on mandatory work related courses for a few days. I do almost nothing else that requires my partner to look after the kids, as I have few hobbies that take me out of the house and my friends (outside work) mostly meet over soccer games that I certainly do not have the time for.
My partner moved to my city (more affordable mostly) before we had kids, but it has resulted in her having her family and old friends about an hour (and $30) away. Since my partner hasn't worked for a few years, she feels that she can't afford the trips to see her friends and family, and her friends are not that interested in traveling here to meet her. She has been pretty uninterested in trying to make new friends here, and has not started any activities or hobbies what so ever. In other words, she does basically nothing outside our home.
Due to my partner not working, most of the child care has fallen onto her. I wake up with the kids and usually get started with their breakfast before I have to leave for work. Then my partner drops them of at pre school and then picks them up (since we are only allowed to have them there 6 hours/day and I work 8,5 hour days). I try to pick them up at least once a week, but it is in no way optimal with my schedule. We split all other chores at home equally (cooking, shopping, cleaning), but she admittedly is the one who keeps track of the kids clothing, arranging play dates, research on their wellbeing etc. While not an excuse, I guess the fact that she hasn't been working for almost their entire lives has led me to just letting go on most child care stuff and leaving it to her. After all, I was the only one making money so it felt necessary to prioritize my work to make sure I didn't lose it. I try to be a good dad, but I could certainly be a better parent if that makes sense.
Now - my partner thinks that me going out (and traveling) at the above mentioned frequency is way too much. I admit that it is irresponsible of me to be hungover on a Saturday forcing her to take care of the kids, and I get rightfully scolded for it (but I have literally only been that hungover two times the last six months). I think the frequency is fine (based on my understanding of other couples), but I believe that the problem is that she does not do anything on her own. She says she would be more fine with it if I was more present at all other times, including picking the kids up from school more often or not stressing of to work in the mornings. While I am trying to be more present, I don't really believe she would ever be fine with it even if I was perfectly present, and that her saying that is mostly a way for her to escape her own responsibility in making plans for her own. I have countless of times told her that she needs to go out and that I would happily watch the kids for an evening or even a couple of days if needed, but it never happens. She often brings up how I am unable to understand how hard it is for her to take care of the kids when I'm away for multiple days since I am never the one forced to look after the kids (which I feel is unfair since I am never given the opportunity to take care of the kids on my own).
All in all, I feel like I can't do stuff that makes me happy and socially fulfilled due to her not doing things for the sake of herself. I fully understand that she feels limited economically (even when I offer to pay for her trips) but I don't think that excuses her neglecting to try and find some hobbies/friends here. As I said in the beginning, we are in a rough spot. I have over the last few years felt like I have prioritized our relationship and our kids far above my own social needs (I did social things like two or three times a year) and am now aware that I have grown resentful of my partner due to being socially unfulfilled. I might be trying to rationalize my own behaviour, but I feel like I am actually trying to create a better foundation for myself and our relationship by prioritizing myself a bit higher than I have done for so long.
What do you think? Am I spending too much time on my own? I am completely unable to make her understand my side of things and our couples therapist mostly wants to focus on other things.