My (38F) and husband's (41M) best friends got divorced 5 years ago. It was really a trainwreck of a situation. The ex-husband, let's call him Matt, cheated on wife, Katie, with their nanny of 2 small kids at home. They had been together about 10 years and during that time he had some previous indiscretions that were sort of known about but none of the friend group ever talked about it. I think Katie knew and Im not sure why but maybe it was chalked up to we were all partying so much and we have sort of an alternative group of people so weird things happened. That's just one interpretation of it...
Anyways, Matt was always the life of the party and really a great friend to me (like a brother). We were part of a large group of (25ish) friends which is probably really rare and special. They separated and divorced and he stayed with the nanny. She was an absolutely toxic person and he burned a lot of bridges during that time. There was a lot of posting of his activity on social media and Matt and the nanny married, got pregnant (had an abortion or lost baby) in very short amount of time and maybe a year later initiated divorce. In the time since then, he has gotten married again to a lovely woman who is a great match for him. I really like her but honestly we rarely get together with them. Since they split, he never gets invited to anything by the larger group...no weddings, baby showers, happy hours, nothing. It's just the unspoken rule. He is friends with us and a few others but I basically think he has no other friends and is lonely.
I had a bday party that pics were posted on socials and there was a big group there including Matt's sister and brother in law and Katie with her new bf. I was feeling weird about not saying anything to him but I didnt want to feel awkward about having him there. Even though Katie sees him when exchanging kids, out and about, and sometimes kids bday parties, she says she feels physically uncomfortable being around him. Others would say they seem fine being together but Katie would say differently. I can't say I agree that she handles it the right way but who am I to judge since I didn't go through it myself. Matt's wife has tried to befriend her but Katie isnt open to it. Katie has been in therapy but I feel that she is stuck by this and can't move on...sometimes adopting a woe is me sort of attitude. At the same time, Katie doesn't wish him to rot in hell and feels bad that he doesnt get invited to things. His feelings were hurt by the snub from me and his wife has been ignoring me reaching out. While I think some people at the party would have genuinely been excited to see him, others likely would have been kind but not entirely warm to him. Katie would have not been her most fun and cheerful self so I did it for her and selfishly myself so I didnt have to worry. While there are plenty of people in our group that say, he deserves this with the choices he made, I don't necessarily think he cannot redeem himself. I feel bad that this might have been a good opportunity for him to reconnect with some people and for people to remember, he's a fun person and good friend and I made it more awkward and distant for him by overthinking it and not inviting him. Anyways, I just feel awful and am curious of others thoughts about it.