I don't know if I was groomed or not
This all happened many years ago
Sorry this is a long one. I've tried to be brief on the explicit stuff I've put this on r/trauma too I don't know who else to ask really
So I've been thinking recently of this experience I had a while ago because someone described a similar one that they experienced as a child and said it was grooming so I'm not sure if I was. When I was 14 I was obsessed with being a big Minecraft streamer / youtuber (this is partly the reason it stopped) and I would consistently stream to 0 viewers on twitch of some terrible Minecraft gameplay on a random server. One time though I streamed again and I could see one viewer watching me for probably an hour straight without the number going up or down so It was the same person. I would consistently talk to myself a lot and maybe jokes about being super lonely and antisocial (at this point I had barely any really friends at school and out of school). Eventually this person starts to message in the chat and begins to talk to me. They start just casual and friendly in this teasing way some bantery friendship. He mentions a couple times getting my discord account. I said probably not as just the day before someone who I gave my contact information to kept harassing me about buying streaming assets. They pushed tho and I gave them the details. Eventually I stopped streaming and they started messaging me being a bit awkward and quiet at the start. They start to get flirtatious noticeable soon Into it. I at this point had no idea about what was normal in relationships. I understood the concept of love but didn't really feel it like others did (I later realised I was aroace).
So he started to flirt with me but I didn't understand what he was doing so I thought it was just being friendly. Eventually he asks how old I am and I tell him I'm 14M from the UK. He's 17M from America and about to be 18. He continues this friendly flirt and asks to see what I look like. I say I'm hesitant because he's still a stranger and he says something like "I thought we were becoming friends" so I feel bad. He sends me general photos of him. He had this personality and appearance based around being a femboy so he kept being a bit over the top, the way that like some celebrities act like babies. He continued to mention my appearance and asked to see me and I said no because I don't find myself attractive (I felt bad saying I was uncomfortable) and he kept saying "no way I bet you're really cute / hot". He asked more about me and at one point he made some half serious half joking sexual joke (I can't remember what) and I said jokingly "woah pedo behaviour". I felt the age gap was weird for him to be making these comments but I figured that it would be normal if he had some different age of consent in america and he also told me it when I made that joke that it actually would be ok because of the difference in laws. We spoke on discord for a few hours. He started to say he really liked me, towards the end of the night he said he thinks he loves me. I didn't really understand how he could love me so soon. He kept asking if I did back and didn't pressure me yet I felt like I was so eventually I said I did. He eventually says "now we're dating can I see you". I didn't think we were dating. I didn't want to be. But I thought I had to since I had put my input in and started this relationship.
I sent small photos with my face blurred out. He kept asking for other photos. Of my arms, thighs and sent me photos that I didn't realise until later that were hinting at being sexual. He kept saying he found me really attractive and made comments showing he was getting dependant on me already. Soon tho I stopped and we started talking together on the second day. He kept pushing still to see my face and I eventually showed it just for him to start ramping up the comments more. He started making sexual jokes more and more while still flattering me. I felt uncomfortable but I figured it was normal. Eventually he kept sending me photos and videos of him casually but then they got sexual. Some would be him with the bottom of the screen his boner would be visible but in a way he could pass it off without him realising. Sometimes he'd sent photos of his temu orders with accidently forgetting to remove the didlos in the top of the screen. Eventually he sent a video of him showing his dick so I couldn't not mention it. I had a big reaction saying woah. He said "my bad was that too much I thought we were at that stage". He continued to talk like that and talking more like I was meant to be ok with it. I figured that it had to be normal and I was just being dramatic. He then began more to ask to see photos of me. He kept pressuring for more private photos of me. I said I didn't want to send photos like that. He said he understood, but he kept sending more of him. I started to try and make myself enjoy it but I couldn't. I messaged him saying how those photos are "cool" or "hot" but I had no idea what reaction to have because it wasnt genuine at all. The next day though we called on video call for the first time. I liked the call it wasn't sexual or bad for like half of it. We just talked and played Minecraft which I suggested we do so I enjoyed it. I told him how the jokes I was making on stream were genuine and I was really alone. He was a good friend here but I didn't feel this love that he kept expressing to me. Eventually he asked questions about how I am in the bedroom. He explained it all to me because I didn't understand really what being a bottom or top was. I said how I was probably a bottom but I kept the conversation brief. He brought it up again about 5 times that night.
He kept asking loads and then started to talk about what he'd do if we hung out. The comments were really graphic. I felt uncomfortable but I felt this dependency on him. I had no one else and I felt that he was a good friend and that I must've just felt wrong for not also being in love. He started to ask more about what I'd want to do if we were together in the same room. He would say what he'd want to do to me then ask if I'd like that or what I'd want to do. When we would be on call I couldn't get myself to say anything more than just a yes or no because it felt so wrong. I would message a bit more mostly just agreeing or disagreeing but every time he asked id feel dirty and like I was doing something wrong but kept convincing myself it was just something to do with me. He went on video call again with me later and began to show himself touching himself. I didn't know how to feel, I felt some emptiness from it like it didn't mean anything to me. He kept asking to see me doing it too but I was really hesitant. The more he spoke about it and did it the more I convinced myself that I was the problem. I started to do it eventually but would only send a photo or video. After this point he spoke more about sexual stuff than non sexual stuff. The day after this was the exact same but I mentioned to the two friends I had that I was in a relationship because he told me I should tell people. I didn't feel good talking to them about it though. I felt like I was lying but also I made myself anyway because I once again figured I was the problem. After that day though he said how he got a bad score on a test and was grounded. He said how he couldn't message for two weeks. Over those two weeks I realised I didn't really love him at all. I cut off connection and blocked him everywhere the day before he was going to get his phone back. I was told the other day that my friend showing experienced nearly exactly this but instead the person was 21 that they were groomed.
I don't think it was though because I know I didn't have nothing to do with it because I didn't shut it down so I know I'm not innocent but I just want someone else's opinion