Mil poisoned people I loved against me
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MIL has successfully poisoned my wife's family against me. I'm the new "villain" now.
Is my marriage doomed?
Will I ever stop watching my back?
Holy water didn't work — is there a middle ground between nice and flamethrower?
TL;DR: Covert narcissistic MIL love-bombed early, then turned sinister after our kids were born.
She's stolen money, smirks at distress, fakes illness for supply, undermines my wife, and has systematically turned FIL, SIL (and her BF) against me using triangulation and reactive abuse.
My wife believes me 90% but that 10% hope keeps getting weaponized.
I'm trapped in a no-win loop at family events and terrified what she'll do next to our kids. Holy water (being patient) failed — is there any effective middle ground, or is it time for stronger boundaries?
Background: Childhood abuse made me zero-bullshit tolerant — hypervigilant and empathetic. I used to question my view of MIL until her patterns became impossible to ignore.
Classic story. In the beginning: love bombing. After our son's birth, her mask slipped. Turns out a capable, strong daughter (my wife, one of the greatest mothers) is a covert narcissist's biggest nightmare.
Fast-forward six years: loads of gaslighting, manipulation, and triangulation. All because my wife is happy, has boundaries for the first time, is healing her relationship with her dad (despite decades of MIL's brainwashing), and I refused to buy into MIL's "everyone is fucked except me" narrative.
This isn't average annoying MIL territory.
We're talking about a woman who stole a large amount from shared family funds, then successfully painted my FIL as the one who only cares about money (he worked his whole life for it; she lost it on bad investments). She used fear to manipulate my wife into covering for her — double-stabbing her own husband.
She shows deep pleasure at other people's discomfort, smirks when someone is in distress (especially when she caused it), yet still plays the holy saint.
One evening she sat in her robe, sipping wine in front of me while my wife recovered from a complicated birth in the hospital, and smirked: "I like young men. They're so stupid." That was my point of no return. Her fake laugh and hollow eyes still make me shiver.
I'm not terrified of her, but of how far she'll go to stay in the spotlight and maintain control. I've seen what she did to her own children and FIL.
She interrupts our beautiful moments, uses family pets as leverage, plays the caring mother without ever actually helping, smirks at our toddler's tantrums ("See? They can't handle their baby"), shows zero interest in our lives unless she can get supply, constantly undermines my wife, and compares our kids' milestones viciously.
She spreads twisted stories about us to extended family as if she lives with us. She watches raw war footage like cartoons, laughs at friends' divorces, and stalks every move like a spider looking for something to ridicule.
Her four default modes:
Charming woman
Sulking rage
Victim
Manipulating
In the beginning she fed me horror stories about how demonic FIL is — classic projection. When I met him, he was warm and decent. She had turned his own kids against him with reactive abuse. Now she's painting me as the new villain.
FIL was like a father to me until MIL used a property dispute to destroy that bond. My daughter prefers FIL over MIL, and my wife is slowly healing with her dad — those are the only bright spots.
SIL felt like a little sister until I realized she's the golden child/enabler/spy. Her behavior toward me flips 180° in front of MIL. Her boyfriend went from good friend to seeing me as competition after MIL exploited his insecurities.
I cared about these people deeply. Now my grief is drowned in silent rage.
Only BIL (abroad) hasn't turned yet. He said "she's like this with everyone, don't take it personally" — which somehow made it worse.
My wife sees a lot of it and believes me 90%, but that 10% hope for a normal relationship with her mother is constantly exploited by MIL.
MIL has worked hard to isolate me from the rest of the family. Now I'm in a trap:
Skip gatherings → MIL and SIL gang up on my wife with subtle digs about me.
Attend → "He's always glued to her. He's controlling."
When my wife started pulling away and SIL got serious with her BF, MIL suddenly developed a mysterious illness (endless doctor-shopping, no real diagnosis, looks perfectly healthy). She milks it for guilt and supply — sick only when she doesn't get her way.
I've seen the sulking, rage, and smirks, but calling it out just makes me the paranoid villain. MIL has zero remorse — she'll eat food I cooked and say things like "Nowadays women don't need men. If they need one, they can rent one for an hour" while staring me down.
Three questions:
Is my relationship with my wife doomed?
Will her 10% hope always be a weapon MIL can use against us?
Will I ever stop watching my back, or will I have to protect my kids forever from being turned against me?
I tried "holy water" (being nice, patient, understanding). Now I'm thinking flamethrower is the only option.
Is there any middle ground that actually works?
(For sanity I took up woodworking and we have a cat who's the kids' favorite — my personal therapist.)