I want to turn my life around.
I’m 30f who had a very difficult life. First my childhood at home with a very abusive family. Later I moved out and although I have many fun memories from my 20s…. I felt like I made too many mistakes that people who grew up in a loving home wouldn’t have made. You see I sort of raised myself so I didn’t have much to compare myself with. Not always knowing the good from the wrong.
I fell in love with someone I considered my soulmate at 26, moved countries from him only for him to break up with me the same week I landed. What followed was my worst depression and shame I’ve ever felt.
I really tried to make someone good out of it but I just couldn’t. It’s a long story and I feel like I’ve gone through it so many times in my head that it doesn’t matter. I have also shared it so many time with others and been met by shame and blame that I think I’m scared to tell people the full story.
Anyway, I want to move forward. To not look back on my past and be excited about the future. I just don’t know how. I’m not as depressed or anxious anymore but there is a sadness that still follows me. A grief for a life I didn’t get to enjoy.
I don’t know where to start anymore. I wish you would have seen me before! No matter the hate, the hurtful words or the physical assault. I was determined to not let it take me down. But it’s like it had caught up on me. Knowing that people who said they loved me could harm me so much. That’s what had made my life feel so empty and pointless. Because if I can’t trusty family, friends or partner. Then what’s the point having people in my life?
And the scariest thought of it all is: what if I deserved all that pain? What if something is actually wrong with me? Do I ever deserve a better life?