I [22F] moved across the country to live with my boyfriend [23M] and his family. Now i’m unsure if I should stay or leave.
Hi everyone, I wanted to come up here and ask for some advice on the current situation I’m facing.
In late March of this year, I packed my stuff and my cats and drove across the country to go live with my boyfriend and his family until we could get situated in our own place.
For some context that’s important: his family is undocumented, and they live in income-based housing. When I met him, he would talk about wanting to move out and go no contact with them due to a lack of boundaries and them not respecting his privacy—especially his grandmother. Normally, I don’t really settle for someone who doesn’t have clear goals, doesn’t have a license, and only works a part-time minimum wage job. But because of his family’s situation, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and expressed that I was willing to help him with things like understanding credit, getting his license, and finding a better job. He was very open to that, and before I moved, he was making some effort to save money and get plans in place.
Fast forward to the last time I saw him and his family in person before I moved: they not only invited me to live with them, but they also reassured me I could sign the lease, that it would likely lower rent, and that I could bring my two cats.
When I got there, my boyfriend and I tried to go to the office to add me to the lease, but the manager wasn’t there. Time went by as we tried multiple times, and life got in the way. (important to note that his grandma went off on him before we tried going to the office)
Then, out of nowhere, a new manager started causing issues with his family after they gave water to stray cats. That’s when we found out cats aren’t allowed on the property. His family went into panic mode and basically said I could no longer sign the lease. They became extremely anxious to the point where they were even stressed about me needing to leave during office hours.
I spent weeks trying to reassure them and explain that me being on the lease would actually prevent any collateral issues, especially since I could provide an ESA letter for my cats—but that didn’t really lead anywhere.
Now, in the present, I suggested we move out like originally planned just to avoid any more issues, but my boyfriend started getting cold feet. This turned into weeks of arguments, on top of him not showing any effort to even study for his permit test.
He had been set on supporting his family if they moved by paying the remaining rent that his grandfather (the only other working person in the household) currently pays. At the same time, he wants me to move in with them, even though he’s unsure if their situation is temporary or not.
His grandfather is older and wants to retire, and it’s been really difficult trying to get my boyfriend to even apply for a different job. Meanwhile, I’m a full-time student, I work full-time, and I’m also in some debt.
I do have an opportunity to move in with a roommate, which would be hard, but it’s stable. On the other hand, my boyfriend and I had a conversation where I told him that if he doesn’t start putting in more effort, the relationship won’t work—and he said he would try.
There’s a lot that goes into this situation, which is making the decision really hard. I’m stuck between moving in with a roommate, which would mean financial strain and likely needing a part-time job on top of full-time school and work, or moving in with my boyfriend and his family. That option would be more affordable and pet-friendly, but it also risks my sanity because I can’t trust him not to get cold feet again when it comes to our future. - At least right now. I feel like I could be back in the situation we are having right now.
At the moment, I’m trying to give it until the end of the month to observe how things go and prepare for anything, but I would really appreciate another perspective on this.
TL;DR: I moved across the country to live with my boyfriend and his family while we get established. Things got complicated with housing rules, his family’s situation, and boundaries. Now I have to choose between moving in with them (cheap, but the potential of my partner not doing as was promised and chaotic) or getting a roommate (more stable but financially harder). My boyfriend is also inconsistent with effort toward his own goals, and I’m trying to figure out what the healthiest long-term decision is.