My fiancé (33M) and I (28F) have been together for 6 years. He grew up in extreme poverty with a very dysfunctional family overseas, while I come from a hardworking refugee background. He has worked hard to build a life in Australia, but now he wants to sponsor his dad (65) and brother (15) to move in with us indefinitely. He feels like her abandoned his family and hung them out to dry because he lives a good life here in Australia with me.
Our main issue is communication about this problem though. He will ask for my perspective on the potential move, and when I'm honest about some of the boundaries and expectations, he hears them as an attack on his family and that"I'm looking down on his family". He knows how I feel about people living in our house.I really value our space and feeling comfortable in our home. I grew up walking on egg shells in my house feeling so uncomfortable. Not feeling like that as an adult is extremely important to me.
more context - his sister (37F) came to visit to celebrate our engagement party a year ago. She was erratic and verbs, physically assaulted me and guests, Also had no remorse. My partner doesn’t deal with conflict well and just tried to pacify me and his sister. I feel like he didn’t choose me and it’s still an unresolved wound.
My fiancé works FIFO (fly-in, fly-out). If they move in, I will be alone in the house with two men I barely know for weeks at a time. Culturally and personally, this makes me incredibly uncomfortable.
His father smokes weed daily and hasn't worked in years. His mother has a history of drug use. The family has no savings, so we would be 100% financially responsible for them.
Some of the boundaries I'm trying to set with his dad and brother moving is:
- We prioritise our wedding and relationship goals before they move
- We have bought a house first
- his brother completes his electrician apprenticeship- this way he will be an adult with a qualification
- his dad stops smoking weed
- my partner works locally (no FIFO) until the family find their own place.
Is this unreasonable? I know my partner feels like it is. He think I hate his family.
Every time we try to talk about it the conversation is so tense and goes no where. Any tips on what to do?