21F, I’ve had 9 sexual partners so far. Only the first and the last were actual boyfriends. One or two were casual flings that somehow led to that point, and the rest were what I’d call one-night stands. I know these numbers might sound unusual depending on where you live, but I’m from Turkey, and around me this isn’t really something common either.
I’m a very sexual person, but I wouldn’t say I’m particularly selective or intentional about it. I’ve never met someone online just for sex, but in real life, if a sexual situation starts and the other person makes a move, I find it really hard to say no in the moment, even if I don’t actually feel any romantic or sexual interest. Once it starts, I tend to just go along with it. I’ve also ended up having 8 partners in about a year this way. Sometimes this puts me in situations I probably shouldn’t be in, and it can complicate my life more than I want. This isn’t just about sex either, it also applies to kissing and making out.
The reason I’m writing this is because I recently almost had sex with one of my close friend’s best friends at my friend’s house the first time we met. We were drinking, we made out, there was some dry humping, and it didn’t fully happen only because I unexpectedly got my period. We actually got caught while I was sitting on his lap. I don’t feel anything for him, but even after I sobered up, I kept going because it had already started and I found it difficult to stop once I was in that situation.
On top of that, I also struggle with masturbation and porn use in a way that feels a bit compulsive at times.
I don’t really know how to deal with this. It’s been bothering me for a while. Being a sexual person isn’t the issue for me, but I don’t like that I end up in situations that might cause problems later in my life. At the very least, I want to be able to think more clearly in the moment about how it could affect me outside of sex.
There’s also another thing that confuses me. Some of these situations have been with men who normally don’t behave like this, people who usually don’t casually hook up or approach women sexually unless they’re in relationships. One of them had chosen to stay a virgin, but ended up losing it with me, which I only found out afterwards. In the most recent situation, the guy was also a virgin and said he wants his first time to be with a girlfriend. He still escalated things with me quite a lot, he was persistent about sex, and if I hadn’t stopped it because I got my period, and there aas other people in the house, it would’ve been his first time too, and it would have been period sex.
Objectively speaking, I don’t think I stand out in terms of attractiveness. I’m overweight, my face is fairly average, and I’d probably rate my face a 6 or 7 on a good day. I’m not really flirty or outgoing in a stereotypical way either. If anything, people usually describe me as cold, a bit intimidating, even somewhat masculine. So I don’t really understand why I keep ending up in these situations or why they escalate so easily around me. It’s gotten to the point where one of my friends jokingly started calling me a succubus.
Is there anyone else who relates to this kind of pattern? And if so, how do you actually deal with it in a healthier way?