Okay, I know this is gonna sound weird, and I'm not proud of it, but sometimes I get really depressed when I see girls around my age, turn 18, 19, 20, and get all depressed because they feel like they're expired, men wouldn't like them anymore because they're not minors.
Or when I see women complaining about how the most attention they've got from men was when they were children or teenagers, and when they became visibly adults, or when they hit their 20s, that attention dramatically drops. Apparently this is a universal thing for most women. I've been ugly my entire life.
I started getting bullied in kindergarten for my appearance. Family members have always made comments. I don't wanna go into my life story, but I was severely bullied in high school for my appearance so much. I tried to commit suicide most times.
The only reason I'm not offing myself is because my plan is to get a job and then get plastic surgery so I can at least try and be average-looking. If that fails, I'm committing suicide because life as a conventionally unattractive person, a sub-five as people call it nowadays, is just a complete nightmare. I'm black, so on top of racism and sexism, I don't need lookism too.
Being a fat, conventionally unattractive, black, ugly girl is just a complete nightmare. So since I've never been... Even average looking at any point in my life. Of course I don't relate to any of these girls saying that they've gotten attention in their teenage years or as a child. And it makes me feel depressed because I turned 20 two weeks ago. And I deeped that I'm never gonna know what it was like to be a regular teenage girl where people their age and older like them. I could never relate to my friends who talk about having men look at them with desire or find them pretty or have crushes on them or ask them out.
I'm not envious of women that get sexually harassed or catcalled. I know I'm incredibly, incredibly lucky and that's probably the only thing I'm grateful for when it comes to being ugly, is I've never had to worry about men harassing me or stalking me. I walk out in the middle of the night at 3 a.m. and I have no worries because I'm tall, I'm fat, and I'm ugly. I'm not really a target for most men.
I remember one time in class, our teacher was asking us, who feels comfortable walking outside in the middle of the night? And I was the only one that put my hand up. So I do feel my ugliness protects me in some ways, but I just wish I knew what it felt like to be desired. For someone to look at me and think she's pretty, for someone to see some kind of beauty in me. I feel like it's such a big anchor of being a girl.
And because I've never experienced that in my life, I don't really feel like a girl, even though I'm super girly and I like being a girl. And it's like, what's the point now? Now I'm old. Even if I was to get surgery a few years from now, I'm never gonna be young again. The window of where women get the most attention, I completely missed out on it. Men are always constantly talking about how women's prime ends at 25 or 23.
They always put emphasis on how teenage years for both genders are the best years of your life. And for me, it was the worst. All these girls are mourning the fact that they don't feel young enough to be good-looking to men anymore, but youth wasn't even enough to save me. What was the point? And then what makes me feel even worse is when women get into their late 30s, 40s, and they talk about how they feel completely invisible to society because for the first time, their aging is messing with their pretty privilege. They don't really get attention. They don't get those perks of pretty privilege. They're kind of invisible to society for the first time in their life at 38. But this has been my reality forever.
So it's so irritating that I don't even get to experience a prime or a high or a peak. What women experience at 40, I've been experiencing my entire youth. What was the point? And now I can never be a teenager again. I can never be young. I will never know what it's like to be young and pretty. It's just downhill from here.