u/Apprehensive_Cow5139

I remembered I called hospice at 10 am. Said im out of my depth. I sat on our bed with him, holding his hand talking to him until they got there at 1 pm. He did his assessment and said hes actively dying. I sat there until his last breath at 9 pm. It was horrible. I could hear the death rattle. He had not spoken since 7 am that morning. I knew his brain was shutting down.

I never got to say I love you one last time.....

I feel like im drowning all over again

Its small, and its stupid.

But, hes been gone over 4 months.

I figured our today i can buy peas and broccoli and Brussel sprouts again.

Its the stupid things that make me sad.

Im wishing I could respond with:

Thanks, ive stopped eating because food tastes like sadness, im walking alot because being in the house makes me sad, im drinking more, not saying its only wine, but hey, at least im drinking more something....

This fake smile is hiding the hollow emptiness of my soul...

How's your day going ;-)

Im only 4 months out.

My fingers are so swollen my ring would not come off anyway,

But I cant imagine taking my ring off....

I work at a relatively easy job, but it can be high stress because I deal with the public and taxes.

My husband talked me out of rage quitting countless times over the years.

He would say, just a few more years until retirement......

Now hes gone, and those same super stressful events, now im like, yep, doesn't matter. You want to scream at me on the phone about government overeach?? More power to you. I don't care, do not. As in, yep, it sucks. But this is what you owe.

My manager looks at me sideways, waiting for me to show emotion. Sorry buddy, I lost my best half. I have no more damns to give.