u/Apprehensive_Bat_107

I feel so miserable
Well I’ve been in darker places then I am right now but still there are things I just need to get off my chest.
I feel so misunderstood like I think nobody’s understands how much I actually love people and just assume I can’t have pure intentions or am just wierd. Like I’ve been wierd in the past and treated especially women in my life really bad in the past like I was dishonest and manipulative to a certain dagree and I know all of that and I even know that others know because those girls I treated poorly weren’t really quiet about it and well yeah I understand that hearing bad stuff about me makes people assume things which is totally valid however it still is making me so mad that people act that this is all I am or was like I was a teenager back then now I’m a grown man and I reflected upon so much stuff I did and I’m not perfect and I know that and I know that I can even do better however it feels like it will never stop like people will never see me for who I am. The worst part is, is that I’m such an extrovert actually but because of my fear of being rejected is so strong I started to avoid stuff and this itself costs me even more closeness to people. And it’s so ironic that all of what I believe in and what I stand for is litrally the opposite of what people assume of me. What’s funny is that I reached a point where I just genuinely try do everything for people that aren’t even that nice to me or anything just so they don’t hate me cuz it’s so easy to hate me. I remeber once doing something kinda exhausting for someone I barely knew and that I couldn’t “gain” anything from and like I did this thing for them they didn’t even ask and I haven’t had to do this cuz everybody just usually just does it for themselves but I still did it and then when this person said “thank you” I felt so ashamed that the thanked me like I didn’t even wanted them to notice because I don’t know I just do this so I’m not a waste of space. And all of this got so bad that I genuinely think that my fkn girlfriend must be wierd cuz how can she actually like me. And it’s not like I’m struggling with a self image like im so perfectly fitting into male beauty standards at least for what I consider my type and I even have superfiacal qualities that are strongly admired in those bubbles I exist in however it just becomes more and more difficult for me to understand and see my value meanwhile I also see how much I give just so someone doesn’t hate me and it just feels like it will never be enough like I feel like no matter how much and how many times it will never be enough to convince someone of my value. And damn I know that it kinda always been like that cuz I got adhd (and other stuff but I didn’t know that when I was younger/ didn’t have it when I was younger) and this always made me feel different to the rest but I tought this will change with growing up but I think it didn’t or idk maybe I just don’t see it but I still feel like the outcast but more rightfully so now. When I was a kid I couldn’t understand why and what was so different about me to others but now I do and the more I see this the more I understood that people won’t like me. There are so many dilemmas now inside me but the one I point out now is that I on surface level I seem and appear like the idol for what people I the bubble I move in wanna be meanwhile at the same time I’m still just the outcast and will never be seriously liked and maybe even don’t deserve it to be liked. And there is so much more I could say but this texts already a mess and I need to get this out there in hopes someone has anything to say to this