My therapist (been seeing her for about a year) mentioned that it might be helpful to start processing trauma when I’m up for it.
On the one hand, I feel like I probably do need to talk about some things but I feel like I can’t without first disclosing the stuff that’s my fault.
When I was about 5-6 I started sexually experimenting with some other kids (including cousins) around my age and a year or two younger. I don’t know for sure whose idea this was, but given I’m one of the oldest in the group it stands to reason it was probably mine. So I think that means that I abused those younger kids.
I know that my history (parental abandonment, caregiver death, mild physical abuse, drug use and domestic violence, etc) paints me pretty sympathetically, but I feel like that picture is pretty inaccurate because of the CSA I likely inflicted on other kids.
I rightfully feel tremendous shame and guilt about this. And while I know I need to talk about the other stuff I feel like I can’t without sharing this big thing so that I don’t come off as a better person than I am. Thing is, the thought of sharing this in any other form than an anonymous internet post nearly gives me a panic attack.
What do I do?