AITAH for not responding to a breakup text (never official) and getting yelled at for it?
I (26f) dated my coworker (23m) on and off over the past year. He wanted more but I was taking it slow since we worked together. I realized we had different relationship needs and he agreed, but we but liked hanging out together, so we did. When it started getting into relationship territory again, I pushed back because I knew it wouldn't work and didn't want to involve my feelings if it would eventually end. He came back saying he was fine with being be friends, before deciding it wasn't enough. I understood and wished him the best.
Working together was fun, he'd come over sometimes and we'd hang out, but when things got serious I'd remind him it wasn't good for either of us.
Rinse and repeat the toxic cycle- he'd come back, I'd push back against a relationship, he'd leave.
It was an entire year of this. 5 months ago I was moved to a different department (unrelated) so we didn't see each other much. The cycle slowed but continued. We'd talk a couple times a week on the phone and even did something for each others birthdays, but communication dwindled.
Then, the long "breakup" text. I didn't know how to respond so I gave it a few days. Then I got distracted with a family matter the next few weeks (a family member was put on hospice and passed) as well as financial issues that took priority of my time and emotional wellbeing. I told him none of this.
> > Here's where I feel I was most the asshole. But did I deserve the shit that happened after?
I saw him at work yesterday and he came over to my department just to flip me off.
After work, he called asking to come and talk. We each had an item that belonged to the other so I agreed. We talked and I felt bad for not responding but we worked it out... or so I thought.
This morning he called me angrily and said he needed to come and finish talking because he hadn't said everything he wanted to say. I said no but that he could come by later, so he said he'd come by after work (10/11pm). I agreed.
12pm - there's a knock on my door.
I check my phone and see a text from him saying he had to come over now and wasn't going to try to "hold this all through work." I was confused because I asked him months ago to stop showing up unannounced (warning text isn't enough). Well, I let him in and he says he needs to get stuff off his chest. 2 steps in and he immediately starts pacing and yelling at me about all the emotional turmoil he's been through because of me. My cat ran to hide. That I never gave him the emotional support he needed. Yelling. How I would never be in a relationship with my lack of communication. Pacing.
I sat there, tears welling up in my eyes, listening. Watching the pacing. The crazed look in his eyes was something I'd never seen from him. I was genuinely scared.
He stopped and sat down furthest away from me. He took a breath, turned towards me, and asked, "Is there anything you want to yell at me for?"
I put my tissue down and looked at him in disbelief. I thought about him fucking my friend/coworker in the same bed after a house party, the day after I first broke it off with him... feeling the back thrusts into me. The week after when he did it again at that same house. Him telling our coworkers about us, asking for advice, divulging details, affecting my reputation at work. Him disrespecting my boundaries by showing up unannounced. Him yelling at me, disrespecting me.
Me: "No, I've made peace with it myself. I don't need to yell at you for things you already know you did wrong."
Him: "Well you already knew what you did wrong."
Me: "Yeah, I did."
...
Him: "Hey uhhh my shift starts in 15 minutes, can I get a shower?"
What. The. Fuck.
Edit: When he slept with my friend we were at someone's house and me and my friend were on the pullout. We drunkly invited my coworker and another guy (who only had a couple chairs to sleep on in another room) to hop in the bed so we were packed in like sardines. I started feeling back thrusts within seconds, so me and the other dude switch spots and he realized I wasn't joking. As we left, stepping over them, I said "alright, you guys can fuck." We laughed and joked about it on the chairs in the other room until the sun came up. A good bonding experience for me and the other dude, we became friends after that. Trauma bonding lol
Edit 2: Forgot to mention he took the item back home with him (it was my birthday gift) after our convo the first night. It was a Lego set and he said he'd come back to help me build it (wtf). I pointed out how fucked that was but it was 1am by that point and I didn't care enough. Then the next day after yelling at me and getting nothing back, he got the gift from his car and said I "deserve it after going through that". I think he meant since I didn't stoop to his level and yell back? Nothing like being rewarded for taking abuse well. That's also when he brought his work clothes in and asked to take a shower. Also I mentioned this in the comments but during his break he asked if he could come take a nap in MY bed since I live nearby. (I said no).