This is just a vent.
I injured my knuckle today.
I believe it's a boxer's fracture on my index finger I've made myself a splint with a popsicle stick. It hurts when I move it at all, which sucks, because I'm right handed, and it's a finger that's always used.
She won't come with me to the hospital. I know I'm 19 now, I SHOULD be able to just go on my own, but I'm scared. I've never had an injury like this.
Anytime I did have to go to the hospital (as a minor) my mom put it off for hours to nap instead. She has always treated any medical issue I have secondary to her comfort, even when it's something that seems urgent, like this. Either she put off getting me medical attention, or didn't let me at all.
It's tiring. I do so much to try to make this woman care for me, but she won't. I don't know how to accept that.
She goes out of her way to make me cry on my birthday, she goes out of her way to go into fits of rage at night time and prevent me from sleeping from 12-7am, and then gives me shit for having an awful sleep schedule. She used my self harm as a way to say, "AM I REALLY THAT BAD TO YOU?" jn a fit of rage.
Deep down I know she "loves" me in her own way, but it's not the parental love she should have. I think it's just a form of guilt that she didn't realize the abuse that was going on with my father when I was so young, and she thinks because she's guilty over not being able to prevent it, that must mean that she loves me.
I'm not sure if it will ever stop hurting. I'm recently engaged, and she has no idea. I can't wear the engagement ring because she might see it, or even try to pawn it, because it's an extremely expensive dynasty ring from my boyfriend's side of the family.
I'm not sure I'll ever invite her to my wedding.