Sorry for the rant but I’m lost. Me and my now ex have recently broken up, We dated for 3 months before we got together and everything was so perfect. We had both been single for 8 years so it was super exciting. Before anyone jumps on me I know I’ve messed up in areas and I’m putting myself through the wringer now.
When we became exclusive we spoke about whether we had dated anyone in that time and she said she had been on a 3rd date between our first and second date, to which I asked if they slept together which she said no, I was skeptical as a few stories about her past wasn’t really lining up. Fast forward a few months we are together in a relationship, I found out she had hooked up with one of her friends a while a back, again whatever but I did ask her if there was anything else that I should know regarding friends or anything as let’s get it out in the open. That day she also got funny about posting us on Instagram stories as she was worried about some school bullies 15 years ago, I don’t know seemed kind of suss and felt like a crossover was had happened. Anyway she looked me in the eyes and swore on my life there was nothing else and no crossover.
2 weeks later I asked her again about a few things and it did turn out she had slept with the guy she went on the 3rd date with and she also dated one of her friends for 4 months, I didn’t take the news well admittedly as trust is a huge thing for me and decided it wasn’t going to work, she begged me to meet her the next night to talk. We spoke about everything and had a good chat and I said if there’s anything else just tell me Now and she again swore on my life that she stopped talking to the guy the next day and there was nothing else, the following night I asked for clarity on when she slept with him and once she had her messages up she had been talking to him for another 2 months. She did end it when we became exclusive so I can’t say much but I found it really hard to trust she didn’t see him again. Our early dating we were telling each other how much we liked each other so it rocked me. She was such a sweet girl honestly and I didn’t realise a people pleaser but to me at the time I thought I was getting taken for a ride and it spun me out.
From then on out the next 2 months she tried everything to fix it but I just got stuck into this spiral of being obsessed with her past, needing to know everything so I could feel safe, I do have trust issues but it’s no excuse for how I went about things, I shamed her, called her names, made comments about her past and made our relationship about interrogation and my insecurities to feel safe and it ended up with more lies because I think she was worried about my reaction.
I love this girl more than you could know but I could not stop spiralling until she broke up with me.
Now I feel terrible, our breakup was a lot of kissing and crying and telling each other how much we cared, 2 weeks after no contact I sent a big accountability message for how I handled things after the lies and not dropping it and she responded just you know saying thanks for the good times etc and apology but she feels settled ending things and wished me all the best. I know it was toxic but we both had never felt like this about anyone before. She was trustworthy but my brain couldn’t let that stuff go, anyway I messed up or I feel like I did. I’m seeing a psychologist to figure my own stuff but this one hurts bad. She’s quite indifferent now and it kills, been broken up 2.5 weeks but feels like she’s moved on already. Was I crazy to not get over the lies? I guess I made myself look emotionally unstable by the end of the relationship and pushed her too far but my brain wouldn’t let the lies go but like I’m releasing it was because she was a people pleaser.
I’m trying not look back with rose tinted glasses but it’s hard as we’re so connected.
The coldness is harsh now, I reached out to say a friend had died and that I was moving to another country soon and she just said I hope you’re okay and that’s awful, take care of yourself
Is this my fault?