I've been in survival mode for 3-4 years. Now that I no longer need to be, I don't know how to not be.
Sort of a throwaway but also not. I do want to see the responses to this and any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I'm 26 and female from the UK, with diagnosed borderline personality disorder.
Aside from my disorder I live quite a regular life now that I've got my person. Prior to this obviously the BPD took a toll massively and I do think is part of this lasting problem I have.
Prior to February, I was in a long term relationship living 4 hours away from where I do now. We had bought a house together and things were ok for the first 2 or so months, then went downhill.
Long story short, things weren't ok following those couple months, with repeated disrespect in talking about our s*x life to his mates (in front of me...), disrespecting my disability (I have a severe physical disability alongside my BPD) and genuinely bullying me indirectly on a daily basis.
Easy example is I'd have excessive pain due to my physical disability and ask for help, like asking him to cook one night so I didn't have to stand at the cooker for half an hour while struggling to stand at all, and his response would be a hard no and for us to just not eat, his reasoning would be "if I do that too, I'd be doing everything and you'd be doing nothing." I lost 30kg (yes... kg) in weight due to this, going from just under 100kg to 70kg.. which he liked.
After two attempts on my life I decided to leave late 2025. My family persuaded me to move back home with mum to get back on my feet and recover.
In January 2026, I started talking to someone through a gaming community. We quickly became incredibly close and decided to meet a month later.
Since that meeting, I've lived with him. We've skipped the dating stage because there's been such a drastic change in both of us since meeting. He broke up with his ex the same time as I did and also made attempts on his life due to her.
We share the same interests, he doesn't bullying me. He supports me. I don't have to get out of bed or go to bed when he does. If I can't cook, he will. If I cant clean, he does. I'm not pressured to work, he works night shifts and supports us both. Just while typing this he brought a parcel up for me, laid on my chest told me he loves me and kissed my forehead and went back downstairs. If that was my ex, he'd be asking what the hell I ordered and would've begun opening it in front of me.
I know the above sounds bare minimum. The genuine care this man has shown me is the reason I adore him. There are several things this man does that sets him aside from anybody I have ever met and I am the happiest I have ever been.
The issue is, my head is so stuck with fear of being abandoned and survival, that I can't communicate how I feel very well and when my BPD is kicking me in the gut I struggle to communicate that to him. Not that I need to because the man can read me like a book and if I am feeling anything but good, he can tell. It effects him as well. Just that I want to feel ok. Like I'm not going to be betrayed. I know we are absolutely solid, he has given me no reason to think otherwise.
My BPD just causes such excessive anxiety at random times and I know to him, that doesnt matter and he will be there for me either way. To me its the horrible guilt, how ashamed I feel when I've spent the day in bed and hes been around the house doing his own thing and I know he does not mind AT ALL but the way my ex was, caused me to feel so scared about not being ok.