Absolutely can’t stand my dad
I absolutely loathe my dad. I’ve gone back and forth on it for years because he financially supports me through nursing school. I’m grateful for that, but I’ve started to realize the damage he’s caused outweighs the good. He’s aggressive, narcissistic, triggering, and I’ve spent most of my life walking on eggshells around him.
One moment I’ll never forget was when my cat was suffering. I asked my dad if he could drive us to the vet so I could hold my cat on the way there, and he laughed in my face and refused. Then he followed me while I was holding my sick cat and started yelling at me. I begged him to leave because he was adding stress to the situation, especially since my boyfriend was already on his way to help. Instead, he started attacking my boyfriend for stepping in. That moment still feels deeply traumatic to me.
Another memory I’ve tried hard to suppress happened when I was around 11 years old. We were at a family dinner, and my dad asked me to sit on his lap. We were closer back then, so I did. He started whispering things to me, one of them being, “You’re so hot.” I told my mom afterward, and she brushed it off, saying he probably didn’t mean it that way. I believed her then, but I never forgot it. Looking back now, I realize how disturbing it actually was.
Part of me is still sad that my relationship with my dad is this bad, but I don’t feel sorry for him anymore. I’ve realized he uses his own childhood trauma as an excuse to hurt others, and I’m tired of excusing it.
I’m incredibly grateful for my mom because she’s always been my rock, but I do think she defends/reinforces his behavior because she’s become so used to it. I used to think it was normal too, until I got older and recognized how damaging it really is. She never fails to remind me that “most dads are worse than he is.” What’s strange is that he seems to resent when I help her in ways he refuses to.
My biggest fear is becoming like him. I try hard to be the opposite, but I still catch myself having a short temper or shutting down when my emotions become overwhelming. I want kids someday, but I’m scared of hurting them the way I was hurt. One thing I’ve realized lately is that I no longer feel guilty for hating him, and I honestly can’t wait for the day I no longer have to be around him.