TRIGGER WARNINGS: Mention of depression, suicide attempts, substance abuse, and unwanted advances (sexual harassment)
This situation is seriously messy so I’m gonna give a lot of context. There will be a TDLR at the end of the post for those who can’t be bothered, I get it!
CONTEXT:
Ava (22f) and I (21f) met in middle school and have been best friends since then, through all the ups and downs. About a year and a half ago, I expressed that I could see myself getting married to her as friends and having a life together. Then things progressed and we dated for a few months.
That is, until she spent the night out of town for her friends birthday and ended up drunk in a strangers apartment doing bumps of cocaine at 2AM. I’ve always had a very strict policy that I can’t date anyone doing drugs beyond smoking weed, and that I’m not comfortable being involved, around, or contacted by friends or partners while they’re intoxicated.
I broke up with her after that and haven’t been able to see her romantically since then. It completely shattered my trust. Since then she’s been through a series of ups and downs that have gotten progressively more dramatic over the last year, but I’ve always been there for her. Recently, her mental health has been noticeably on one of the downward trends.
We’ve still been best friends and I never thought I could see my future without her, because we’ve literally been there for everything; evil boyfriends/breakups/ex boyfriends, loss of loved ones, car crashes, er visits, scary diagnosis’, friend group breakups, etc.
In more recent history, I’ve been more relaxed about my “no alcohol anywhere near me” rule as I realized it’s only super serious to me with my partner. So I’ve been dipping my toe into parties and such.
Morgan and I have been dating for the last 6 months, but he’s currently out of town for work. We haven’t seen each other in a while but we still keep in contact and are still very in love.
THE SITUATION:
Ava and I have a mutual friend who hosted a hot tub party while her roommates are also out of town for the week. I was pretty excited as last time she threw one of these parties, I was on my period and couldn’t get in the hot tub.
We got a ton of snacks, I met a bunch of new people, we all danced. Great fun! Each drink that Ava had though, she started to get more and more friendly. It started with a hug, then hugging me every time she looked at me. Then she was just hovering behind me resting her head or arm or a hand on me at all times.
She got super wasted and fell out of the hot tub, busting her leg open. Being one of the few sober folks, I ran into the house and got her bandaids and towels and neosporin. She looked at me and said “You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. I don’t think there’s a single universe where you aren’t beautiful.”
We went back to the hot tub and she kept her injured leg out but me and the others were splashing around. I got splashed and Ava reached down and traced a bead of water up my bare stomach to my chest. At this point I’d already stopped reciprocating or acknowledging the hugs, but this was the final straw for me. I just kind of shut down because I wasn’t sure what to do or say. I didn’t want to make a scene.
I ended up hopping out and pretending I was just going to the bathroom but I slipped out the side gate and called an uber to go home early, like 10PM. I texted one of my other friends there to just say I had work in the morning.
AFTERMATH/CURRENT DAY:
The next day I texted her that boundaries were crossed and I was really uncomfortable. I also expressed that this was part of a broader problem.
Her depression has always stemmed from a fear that she’s a bad person, which it swallows her whole every time she makes a social misstep like this. Then it makes her feel like escaping into substances which inevitably gives her anxiety another reason to hate herself. She’s recognized and verbalized this on her own.
I can assuredly say that I’ve been the driving force picking her up each time. I’m the one she texts when she’s at the train station debating whether or not to jump. And each time, I’m the one reminding her that she’s loved and encouraging her to get help. I’ve walked her through and helped her make appointments to try new therapists and medications and treatments and activities to help break the cycle, but she’s always fallen through the cracks eventually.
After the last year of this cycle, I’d already been wanting to talk to her about trying inpatient care so she’d have more support and accountability to stay on the wagon. A friend of hers recently expressed their own experience with impatient mental care being helpful for them, so when I reminded her that she’s been walking this circle for a while now, she’s the one who suggested it to me. I expressed support and encouraged her to do research and talk to her parents about it as well. She did and got herself committed about a week ago.
The only thing is, now her parents are giving me and all our mutual friends the info we need to stay in contact.. and I’m not convinced that I should or want to. I’m certain it’ll destroy her to end the friendship and that it’s unlikely I’ll remain in contact with any of our friends, and therefore about everyone I’m friends with in this city. It’s just that, at this point, I don’t trust her to keep getting better once she’s out, and I don’t think I can handle that. Everytime I think about her hands on me at that party, I feel sick to my stomach.
TLDR!!!!
My (21f) BFF and ex girlfriend, Ava (22f), drunkenly made a move on me at a party last week. She knows I hate be flirted with by drunk people AND i’m in a committed relationship with someone else. Now she’s in a committed relationship with the psych ward. WIBTAH if I called it quits on our 10 years of friendship now instead of trying to stick it out?