i had my first relationship when i was 14. it got sexual quickly and i was very lonely and sad at the time. my boyfriend cared a lot about me and was very good to me apart from when we had sex. the first time we did it i consented and wanted to but after that i felt pressure from him every time. he wouldn’t always take no for an answer but not in a mean way more in a way that he was like are you sure? until i said yes. i know sometimes i did say no and he ignored it but i didn’t stop him. he would also slap me a lot during which was horrible but i genuinely dont think he understood that was bad and i think he learnt from porn what sex was ‘meant to be like’ and ran with it wanting me to think he knew what he was doing. we broke up after being together for three months. and it’s now been nearly 4 years since.
all this being said he has helped me through some really difficult times in my life and we talk every few days. i know he cares about me and i care about him too and in a way i think while we were together we bonded over our trauma and made each other feel like we had someone. he listens to all of my problems and stays on the phone with me whenever im scared and makes sure i get home okay. we have never talked about it and i truly don’t think he understands what he did was wrong or if it even was? i really can’t find it in me to blame him, we were both young and inexperienced and i wonder if somehow i made him think i liked the idea of being forced. i really think him learning from porn how to have sex impacted this as well.
it’s something i have thought about everyday since i understood that it had affected me and has impacted all my relationships since. i really do think he is a good person and it was a huge mistake he didn’t even mean to make. i am terrified to talk to him about i don’t think i could and i could never come out about it publicly for so many reasons and i think he would feel terrible if he knew what it did to me and i couldn’t stand knowing i caused someone that kind of pain. it’s been sitting with me for a very long time and i have started to talk about it in therapy but i am just looking for some advice or opinions. i dont have a lot of people i feel close to or that care about me the way he does so its hard to cut ties with him.