how do you stop believing the hurtful things they said during/after the breakup?
TW suicidal thoughts mentioned
i really believe the things my ex said to me are true. they ruined me and made me afraid, i don't even know who i am anymore. they told me they were sorry for anyone that has to suffer me and now i just feel bad even talking to people. i know i probably shouldn't be listening to them because they were awful to me our entire lousy two month relationship but it's hard not to. i was called selfish, a liar, dramatic and i was told to go die. they threw back in my face all the money they spent on me when i had told them multiple times they didn't have to do that and they could say no if i asked for something. they posted screenshots of our conversations and lied about me. i was made fun of and it was just so weird hearing all of it come from someone who would've been pissed if someone else did that to me. they wouldn't shut up about their new partner that they got with a week after we really stopped talking and saying how much better they are.
i used to be so full of love and i used to trust people easily and now i feel so guarded and just scared and sad. i'm currently talking to someone new and i don't even know how to explain to him why i'm so upset. i'm afraid that if i do it might just be me bleeding in front of another shark. i'm afraid that maybe he doesn't even like me or he won't anymore when he realizes how awful i am. i'm stuck in this like limbo of not knowing if i really am that bad or if my ex was just projecting. i feel unlovable and stupid and i'm just so tired of feeling this way. they really made me want to die. i was starting to do better but now i'm just depressed and nothing really makes me happy anymore, i genuinely feel like a shit person.
i get nervous speaking to people because i feel as if everything i say is a problem. my ex made it very clear that all of my responses to them were bad and i'm just not even sure if talking is worth it anymore. i'm scared of more arguments. it may sound dramatic but i really don't want to make anyone else feel bad. i'm autistic and have memory issues along with some other things and i don't think they understood it and that leads me to believe other people won't either.
my ex also kept saying that i wasn't a victim and to go wallow in my own self pity. i feel disgusting opening up about my feelings now because of it. i feel like me having emotions is just me playing victim and pitying myself, i don't know. i don't miss them or love them, i actually really dislike them, but at this point the entire situation just feels like a trauma. i can't avoid speaking about it especially with a new partner because of how badly it affected me and i'm just not sure what to do. is there any way i can make it better? can i actually stop believing these things or am i just permanently changed? does anyone relate to this?
i really tried my best with them and i poured my heart and soul into our relationship but i'm left thinking i'm not good enough for anyone anymore.