How to learn letting go
I'm currently out of a deep and long relationship since young adults with my girlfriend.
She broke up with me months ago cause she lost her feeling. Since then we both started new, new appartment, new friends, new habits, reduced contact to our own shared friend circle, and quit some of our old habits.
It was the hardest time in my whole life and I sometimes wonder if something slowly dies in me. Especially while driving alone in my car. We probably listening the same songs right now, feeling the fkin same through the lyrics, still living in the same city 15 minutes apart but unreachable.
Im a very reflective person so I started journaling, therapy, skincare and sport since day one. Im now at 50,000 words but nothing will describe ever how it really was and what can be. I moved a lot in these 4 months while searching for an appartment which i finally found. I keep filling it slowly with things only I like, but I still dont feel truly at home, only sometimes when I hug myself to sleep. I know crying is the fastest form of letting go, but all i feel is comfort and security when crying.
I learned a lot about my parents and their seperation which was also very traumatic for me as a child. But most Importantly I learned a lot about me in this time, why I urge for control, why I refused to give love and ultimately why I slowly lost my own drive, my passion and what makes me, "me".
I thought a lot about us, a lot thoughts ending up crying my heart out. This month is slowly getting better, anyone I knew told me I changed, but I honestly feel the same more like a very young version of me. I dont think i love her anymore but i still hold onto an image of her and the good times with her. I saw her one time again, 3 weeks ago from now during a career event, I initiated contact, and we ended up hugging as a form of goodbye. She told me she wasn't ready for talk with me as she's hurt and lost in thoughts.
This is sadly also the reason why its so hard for me to let her go. Here I am fully functional new home, new friends, and still so unforgettable in love with a ghost of a girl I once knew. I cry a lot lately but something in me keeps resisting destroying hope and fading memories... only when writing this i truly feel home.