AITA for telling my friend I feel like a backup option and getting upset with how he treats me?
I (24M) have known this friend (24M) since we were 17. We were close at first, drifted for a few years, and reconnected in 2025.
Since then, we’ve been in regular contact again, and he did support me when I ended a 6-year relationship earlier this year, which I appreciate.
However, I’ve been struggling with how he treats me. I feel like I’m always the one putting effort into the friendship.
If I don’t message him first, we don’t talk. When I do try to have conversations, his responses are usually very short:
-How are you? “Mid”
-How was work? “Fine”
-Want to hang out this week? “Perhaps”
He doesn’t really ask about me or continue conversations.
He also won’t make plans in advance, it always has to be on the day so he doesn’t “let anyone else down,” which makes me feel like I’m just a backup option.
He’s also said that if he doesn’t feel like talking, he’ll just not reply. I told him I’d rather he just say he’s not in the mood, but he doesn’t.
I’ve tried to be supportive because he has depression. I check in on him, offer to go out for walks or drives so he’s not stuck inside, and have told him I’m there if he needs anything.
But when I was really upset after my breakup and reached out to him, he told me “you should get some help,” and later admitted it was because he “couldn’t be bothered” talking to me.
A recent situation upset me quite a lot. I asked if he could give me a lift to and from a party since I’d be drinking. He agreed, then asked me to move the time earlier, so I rushed my plans to accommodate him.
When he picked me up later that night, he said he didn’t really want to but didn’t want me “moaning,” even though I had already said I’d be happy to get a taxi if needed. I bought him food as a thank you.
I’m quite outgoing and chatty, especially after a couple of drinks, and I ended up talking to someone new while he was eating. On the drive back, he told me I was “intense” and said that the more I say I care about him, the less it means.
I understand I can be more energetic than him, but the way he said it felt harsh, especially given everything.
I ended up telling him that I feel like I put more effort into the friendship than he does and that I often feel like a backup option or an inconvenience.
He didn’t really respond much to that, and now I’m wondering if I overreacted or handled it badly. AITA?