u/ApartMeringue8908

It’s been almost a week of LC and it feels like nothing has changed. I’m doing my best to grey rock her but my phone still gets spammed with calls and messages. It was going so well for a few days, but i made the mistake of telling her about some plans i had, which were made prior to going LC. It involved going out into the countryside where i had little to no signal. I received a phone call and instantly got asked why i had been ignoring her messages (which i hadn’t even received!) and got interrogated about how i got there, how long I had been there for, when I would be leaving, etc. for context I am a student who doesn’t live at home, so me being out doesn’t affect her in the slightest.

Unfortunately, a few weeks ago it was arranged for me to travel back home for 3 days to collect some more of my summer outfits. It’s only a 2 hour train ride so I’m not living far away (I wasn’t allowed to go further away, and some distance was better than none in my mind). I have been back in my childhood home for a total of 3.5 hours and I can’t bear the thought of having to stay here for 2 months over summer.

Everything gets criticised, everything gets questioned, everything needs permission. I have been talking as little as possible but to no avail. I communicated to my nmum at one point that I felt like I had to keep justifying my feelings to her because she made me feel as though they weren’t valid and she just laughed. It feels as though there is no end to this. I want to go full NC so badly, but the thought makes me feel so guilty. Every time I consider it I think about how she would feel sad, since she kept crying over me going to uni. I understand that it’s just manipulation and she’s unhappy to be losing control over me, but even though I’m aware of it, it makes me feel so guilty.

It currently feels like I’m trapped in this cage, and the only thing keeping me there is my guilt. However I don’t think my mental health can cope being back in this environment now I know how much freeing it can be to be in your own space, with nobody there belittling you and controlling you. I am so torn and have no idea what to do.

Apologies for the long block of text, I don’t have anyone to go to who will understand so this subreddit is the next best thing to just vent my feelings.