u/Apart-Ad6203

A few days ago I caved and downloaded C.Ai. Ive been clean for roughly 7 months id say and I fucking failed. You know what I felt? I felt happy, I enjoyed it and I didnt have any regret or guilt for what I did until I deleted the app. I am seething with hatred for myself but all I want to do is re-download it or a different app to use and play out my fantasies on it.

7 months, gone. Just down the drain like none of it mattered and the reason Im so upset about this is not just because I relapsed, but bc my greed has now caused harm to the ecosystem and has taken up water from places that actually needed.

I feel horrible

So, I literally just woke up from this nightmare a few minutes ago, ive been trying to process all of it because while I know for a fact it was just a dream, and that this would NEVER happen, it still felt so real.

I had my friend over, I live with my bf in his parents house so he was here with us too. We were having a good time, all of us laughing and shooting jokes at eachother when my bf perks up and says he was going to rape my friend. I, obviously wasnt okay with that joke and neither was she, so she gets up and I start yelling at him, telling him if he doesnt call the cops on himself for that, then I would. I basically had to talk him down like was a child to get him to report himself, he pickrd up his phone, dialed and called. I remember it so vividly, as if he was actually doing it in real life. Anyways, he calls, and for some reason he has to drive himself in, they wouldnt come get him. So he leaves and its just me and my friend. He ends up going to some random girls hours and in my dream, I have her number so I call and listen for a bit before turning on my camera, she turns herself on too and theyre sitting at a table packing guns and other things into a bag. ​​I start crying, screaming and freaking out, yelling how I didn't even know who he was anymore and that hes hidden his true self from me for years, but he just laughed, walked off with her and the call ended. ​

My friend ends up going home, I stay because this is literally my home too and I kind of hid myself against the wall near the door so that when he comes it, he cant see me right away. He gets home and I start going in about how hes a fraud, how hes lied to me this whole time, how he needs to rot in jail and all that and he just starts laughing at me. I remember asking him why he was laughing and all he said was "You're being too loud." I screamed at him, reminded him that he threatened to rape my friend and he got visibly angry, he was reaching his hands out and gripping them like he was trying to hold back from hurting me, he lunged for my throat but I was able to get push his hands down, so he ended up grabbing and squeezing my wrist. His face literally began to contort into something weird, like it was still him, he just looked evil. I could just tell on his face that if I didnt get away somehow I would be dead, so I stated to scream for his mom who was downstairs and he shoves me too the ground, lifted my shoulders and slammed me into the ground a couple times before I was able to push him off with my legs ad he looked at me, and I didnt recognize him anymore, he literally had a different face. And he said to me "now that you did that, im gonna have to actually kill you" and he lunged at me again, but I woke up before he got to me.

I know that in real life he would never EVER do something like this, not even as a joke. He'd never make rape threats or jokes, hes not that kind of person and he would never physically hurt me, never once has he even raised a hand to me so this is a weird fucking dream. I dont even want to tell him that I had this dream, but it honestly made me a little scared. I dont know why my subconscious would put this nightmare in my head, I didnt consume and dark media or anything like that, so im kind of just sitting here with it. Idk, I just wanted to get this out of my head bc ive never experienced a dream like that.

Thank you for listening <3