I would really like it if somebody in a kind of similar situation gave me some advice or just told me what to do
Tw: this is going to include topics of abuse, self harm, suicidal thoughts etc
Also English is not my native language, so I apologize if there are any mistakes
I am a 15 year old girl and I really don't know how to deal with my father, along with the overall things that started showing in me because of my environment
Ever since me and my two little siblings were kids, we've been not only restricted from common things kids our age did but we've also been hit multiple times and kinda badly sometimes
We've always been very disciplined, probably because we were always tense and scared, but he'd hit us on the head or pull our ears (until I couldn't sleep on that side, and once he picked up my sister from her ear and took her from a room to another) or beat us (with a bamboo stick or just knocking us off or slapping us and stuff) and we were always restricted from playing outside or things like using cellular devices (except for tv cartoons sometimes but that's all), I still am not allowed to use them to this day, but I do it in secret, last year he caught me with mom's phone and he beat me up and insulted me pretty badly, that was a kinda really really bad experience.
And the worst part is that we never knew it was wrong, he always said that "he's doing this for our good" "we're better than kids our age" and mom would say things like "your father isn't wrong it's just his way of expressing it that's bad", and everything has gotten to me a lot at some point, he'd insult anyone who showed signs of being my friend when he'd walk me to middle school, or say bad things about my relatives or come to me and my siblings and tell us not to become like mom and to not listen to her mindset etc, he even said the same about me to my siblings back when I was 12-13 (he does it now too), and trust me I was a very quiet and respectful kid at that time I don't understand what's gotten him to say that, there are also many things like giving me the silent treatment for weeks or treating horribly when I got bad grades, it was terrifying
Last summer was the summer right after he caught me with the phone and beat me up. He made sure to make my whole summer shitty as hell, and at some point I couldn't hold myself back, you probably already predicted that I picked up self harm behaviors. I already used to bite and hit myself when I was a kid, I was even suicidal at 9, thinking that I should commit before hitting puberty because kids automatically go to heaven, but that's another conversation. Back to the self harm, at first it was just intense but surface level stuff, but a few months ago I lost control of myself and let it escalate and it needed medical attention apparently
Now I am still in the same situation, my mom doesn't want to divorce, and summer is coming and I am so tired of living like this. I didn't mention the intense suicidal thoughts and plans because it would make this even longer than it already is but keep in mind that it affected me badly. I also don't have many friends in real life or anyone I can talk to or rely on, but I do have some online friends, I am very grateful to them.
Thank you for reading, and tell me if you have an idea on how to deal with this please.