I don't know what to do. I feel like everything I could try and have tried is all for nothing.
I'm 24 and have mid-high functioning autism (with communication disorder), ADD, anxiety, and of course depression. All officially diagnosed, during my childhood. I sound intelligent, look average, but am not very capable and I am half dependent as I usually need an advocate.
I'm feeling very deeply depressed and anxious. Too depressed and anxious to work to live, finding life not worth working for. Never feeling safe when I do try.
I've tried a good list of medications. Prozac, Ritalin (extra bad reaction, during childhood), Lexapro, Lithium, Desvenlafaxine, Bupropion, maybe more. I've lost track. None have really worked for me so far.
I'm trying more medications but taking them is far too painful because if a pill is longer than half a centimeter in any shape or direction, I cannot swallow it. I cannot just crush it into yogurt every day, because I can't stomach breakfasts nor can I eat yogurt daily because it gets unbearable and apple sauce makes me gag, and I can't keep affording cups of pudding. I can only take dissolvables or liquids.
The last time I went to the doctor for mental meds they gave me the Desvenlafaxine even though I pleaded that I couldn't take pills. They said it was supposed to be for "tiny and old ladies and other sensitive people take it" yet I tried to take my first dose today crushed as per doctor's instructions over yogurt and immediately just hours later I'm finding myself trapped in a deep depressive spiral where I'm physically holding myself back from picking up my favorite hitting mallet to use on my arms and legs. I therefore think I should stop taking it immediately.
My scars are piling up over time, I look like I survived a war.
I'm too anxious to pick up the phone or speak in person. Even in public, just to order food, I have to write what I want to say down as I am involuntarily selectively mute due to anxiety. I cannot work with traditional therapy, and insurance doesn't cover a penpal-only based therapy. I've tried traditional therapy with several therapists. It never gets anywhere and leaves me feeling worse, because I just can't communicate right. I'm working with a case worker, but there are delays between communications that last up to several days at a time, no matter how dire my needs or pains are. I know they are doing their best and are busy but I'm stuffering.
I've tried half a dozen helplines. They do not give out any advice but "go to the hospital" (which I won't) and "do breathing excersizes, write it out, scream into the void." Which never ever ever helps, ever. None of those silly stupid little excersize will take my mind off the pain. Off the ways of the world that affect me every day. Off the noise, the pollution, the people, the system, the rot. The shallow and performative smiles and boring predictable selfish desires and lusts of humanity.
I don't see hospitalization as an option, both financially (thanks america) and practically. What are they gonna do, hold me extremely bored in a room only to dump me outside a few days later with the same issues? Not to mention I recently suffered a bacterial infection that made me horribly sick like vomiting daily plus agony for an entire month, an entire month untreated as I visited the ER 3 times and urgent care 1 time.
I don't see being electrocuted in any way as an option. That is TERRIFYING. HELL no.
So... what's left for me?